o/~ and hell is deeper than the sea o/~

[katster]

skip if you don't want to read downers.


i hate depression. i really do.

I should go to bed when this happens, but I don't particularly want to spend the next hour crying into my pillow.

I'm hurting for a lot of reasons, hell, I don't even know the half of them. my mind has a mind of its own.

but it doesn't matter, really it doesn't. it's all stupid. stupid kat shouldn't hurt. stupid kat shouldn't beat herself up over things she can't fix. stupid stupid dumb stupid kat shouldn't hurt, should not care what others think, should not care. should not feel. if you didn't feel, you wouldn't hurt. if you didn't feel, you wouldn't constantly feel something was horribly wrong.

stupid stupid kat, for wanting something she can't have. stupid kat. stupid stupid stupid.

why? why me? why do i take on the burdens of the earth, like atlas, while other uncaring folks get to play and not shoulder their burden? And why can't I say enough?

why won't it just go away and leave me alone!

stupid kat who can't even help the friends she got. stupid stupid stupid kat.

anyway, I guess I am off to cry in that pillow. sorry for being such a downer again.

Comments

[shadur.livejournal.com]

why? why me? why do i take on the burdens of the earth, like atlas, while other uncaring folks get to play and not shoulder their burden?
Because you're a good person, a wonderful soul, and someone who cares.
Because you're too honest to delude yourself that not caring doesn't leave you with an cold empty void inside you'll never fill.
Because you're you, the you that we love, the you whose hurts and depressions we regret, but will never trivialise away.
We love you. All of us do, and we'd gladly strap on a sword and armor and slay your personal demons for you, but we can't -- all we can do is be here, hold you and pray for the strength you need to defeat them.
And that we do.

Cry on our shoulders, if you want -- we'll hold you.
Scream at us, if you want -- we'll listen and be the rock in the storm.
Lash out in anger and frustration -- we'll take the hits and understand.
Shut us out, if you want -- we'll give you your space, then be here when you feel you can face us again.

"And there are no strings attached to it."

[kaosfury.livejournal.com]

We love you. All of us do, and we'd gladly strap on a sword and armor and slay your personal demons for you, but we can't -- all we can do is be here, hold you and pray for the strength you need to defeat them.
And that we do.

Cry on our shoulders, if you want -- we'll hold you.
Scream at us, if you want -- we'll listen and be the rock in the storm.
Lash out in anger and frustration -- we'll take the hits and understand.
Shut us out, if you want -- we'll give you your space, then be here when you feel you can face us again.

"And there are no strings attached to it."

You can count me in this group. I may have been out of the loop for a while, but that doesn't change the way I feel for a friend.

[fearghaill.livejournal.com]

To start with, I for one don't skip downers. I would much rather they not exist, but they are a reality, and I refuse to hide from them.

though I only got to know you and consider you a friend recently, I agree completely with Shadur's sentiments.

His descriptions of your character closely mirror my perceptions of you. You are one of the kindest, most caring people I know, and while I know you will never see yourself as we do, I hope you will someday get an idea of how truly nifty you really are.

You are one of my friends now, which means various things to me. I would like nothing more than to be able to fight my friends battles for them, to personally stomp on anything that causes them pain. I want to do this, not because I feel you are all unable to take care of yourselve, but because I would rather you not have to. That is rarely an option though, so like Shad and the rest, I can only offer to support you and help you in any way I can as you fight for yourself.

keep on fighting kat. we're all behind you

Yaargh...

[jrenken.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what to say. :/ I hope you feel better soon...

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

What Shadur said.

Sometimes we feel all the pain of the world, in indiscribible weight crushing down on us. Means we are human. I hate it when it happens but I wouldn't give up even a second of it. It means we care. How do you handle it? Like Shadur said. You rant and rail and scream and kick and cry. You share in that collective pain and you lessen it.

[zorbathut.livejournal.com]

since when have you been me? :P

sympathies.

[kuangning]

Yeah, well... both of you do a damned good job of being there for other people. Sometimes I think the price for being able to save everyone else is helplessness against your own demons. Right now I'd trade quite a bit of this relative stability to actually be where I'm needed to give a few people who deserve it a tangible shoulder to cry on and a few hundred hugs.

[whitestar2.livejournal.com]

kat shouldn't hurt.

...Well, we'd all really prefer if you didn't, really. But that's because we love you so much and we hate seeing you hurt. But it's a reality. It happens. In the immortal words of REM: "Everybody hurts sometimes." And you can get past it. Look around. You have all these people who love you so much, that you can take comfort in. It helps. The hurt will go away. You will feel good again. We won't have it any other way.

kat shouldn't beat herself up over things she can't fix.

No one should, but we all do it anyway. Why? It's a mystery. We all do it every now and then. No one's above it. Not doing it comes with practice. But, not having mastered it yet, I shouldn't be the one to speak. Whatever it is, just tell yourself it's not your fault. Then try to put it out of your mind for a while. (Not applicable to all situations, but works for a good number of them.)

You worry a lot. It's part of what makes you so lovable to everyone around you. You worry about everyone and you take care of everyone. But some things are out of your reach. Some things are unfixable, and it isn't your fault. Some things, no matter how hard you try, you can't make your fault. Keep telling yourself that.

kat shouldn't hurt, should not care what others think, should not care.

Ahh, yes. The infamous "I shouldn't care what others think."

Show me one person who's ever said it and truly meant it, 100%, no doubts, and I'll show you a fictional character. Humans are social animals, and as such we are forever doomed to care what society thinks of us.

By this I'm not saying you should let people judge you. Filter the responses. For example, leave out the bad, let in the "We love you, Kat!" that's resounding strongly around here. Look around. This many people care. So many other people who don't read LJ do, too. This is what others think of you: they love you. Whatever anyone else could possibly say, it pales in compareson.

should not feel.

Should always feel. It might not always feel good, but you can't heal by staying numb. You have everyone here to support you. You have a group of people who would probably kill for you. The last thing you should do is not feel.

I can't say I know what's going on, I don't. But, like everyone else, I hate to see you down. We care about you, kat, a whole lot. And we're here whenever you need us, for whatever reason. And that, I suppose, is my point.

We're here for you.

[nekoneko.livejournal.com]

I WUV YOU, KAT! *cuddlefuzzlehuggle*