o/~ and hell is deeper than the sea o/~

[katster]

skip if you don't want to read downers.


i hate depression. i really do.

I should go to bed when this happens, but I don't particularly want to spend the next hour crying into my pillow.

I'm hurting for a lot of reasons, hell, I don't even know the half of them. my mind has a mind of its own.

but it doesn't matter, really it doesn't. it's all stupid. stupid kat shouldn't hurt. stupid kat shouldn't beat herself up over things she can't fix. stupid stupid dumb stupid kat shouldn't hurt, should not care what others think, should not care. should not feel. if you didn't feel, you wouldn't hurt. if you didn't feel, you wouldn't constantly feel something was horribly wrong.

stupid stupid kat, for wanting something she can't have. stupid kat. stupid stupid stupid.

why? why me? why do i take on the burdens of the earth, like atlas, while other uncaring folks get to play and not shoulder their burden? And why can't I say enough?

why won't it just go away and leave me alone!

stupid kat who can't even help the friends she got. stupid stupid stupid kat.

anyway, I guess I am off to cry in that pillow. sorry for being such a downer again.

Comments

[kuangning]

Yeah, well... both of you do a damned good job of being there for other people. Sometimes I think the price for being able to save everyone else is helplessness against your own demons. Right now I'd trade quite a bit of this relative stability to actually be where I'm needed to give a few people who deserve it a tangible shoulder to cry on and a few hundred hugs.