thinking

[katster]

So...based on what you know of me, how would you describe me to somebody else?

'cause I find I'm in a bit of need of outside reassurance even though it belies any claims of self-actualization I might want to make. 'cause I'm nowhere near self-actualization, so...

I find myself hesitant to ask this, because last time I got what sorta appeared to me to look like I was a lesser person because I had to ask for this sort of thing. And yeah, maybe I am. But it does make it really difficult to ask for it when I need it.

And yeah, that's about it.

Comments

[rosefox]

I actually don't know you well enough to say, other than that you seem generally good-hearted and don't mind standing in long lines. *) I hope this experience goes better than the last one did, though.

[katster.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't really. It's just not a big deal, waiting, and I can bring a book or play snake on my phone or go hunting for wireless signals with the laptop...there's lots of things I can do, so I really honestly don't mind waiting.

(I grew up going on long car trips on weekends. I learned how not to be bored when you're going to be sitting for hours.) :)

You're one of the folks I'd like to get to know better, though. Just there's not enough hours in the day. :)

Thanks for responding.

-kat

[malakim.livejournal.com]

You seem a smart, witty, and funny person when you want to be, and you like football a little much for my tastes, but then I don't like football. ^_^

Beyond that, I really couldn't say. The few times I've tried to strike up a conversation over IMs you haven't really been that responsive. ^_^;

[katster.livejournal.com]

There's a lot of people who don't, so don't feel bad. I just post about it because I find it fun. :)

As for IMs, I suck generally in dealing with them, 'cause I'm not quite sure how to not look like a moron, if you catch my drift. Plus, you've caught me in class a few times, which means I suddenly have to drop away from the laptop and pay attention, which doesn't help conversation flow.

Thanks for responding, it helped.

-kat

[anahata56.livejournal.com]

How would YOU describe yourself to someone else?

[katster.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's a tough question.

(and I've been pondering how to answer this for the last two days and not really sure how to answer. Granted, you can see what's overtaken me.)

And the best answer I can come up with is "Are you really sure you want to know?" Because it varies with mood. And if you don't believe me, you can ask zibblsnrt, who's privy to my thoughts throughout cycles in my mood, and he can tell you how my self image changes.

I think the codiene, strangely enough, is getting me out of a depressive rut, but that could be because of the way it works. I dunno.

So yeah, the answer really seems to be a combination of "Do you wanna know?" and "Which mood?"

-kat

[anahata56.livejournal.com]

In your first post, you talked about "self-actualization"--the emphasis there is on the word "self"--the actualization naturally follows.

When I have a lot of "chatter" from the outside, telling me that I am this or that, good OR bad, I actually find myself losing my sense of self, because all of those who are outside of me are like the old blind men with the elephant. One grabs a trunk, one grabs an ear, and everyone thinks they know all about me, but all they know is a PART of me. The only one who can know me is me--and the only way I can know me is to keep looking. And that internal looking needs to be objective and without judgment--just an observation, knowing that all that I see is neither good nor bad, but just what IS. And there are some things that I would like to alter, and some leave alone, but there is always the sense that what is there is what is there--and there is no need to judge it, even if it is something I want to change.

You do a lot of worrying about what other people think, and have a tendency to "take your temperature" by asking people outside yourself. And everyone tells you--but they are blind old men, seeing only this thing or that thing and thinking it is the whole. And when we do this, we get confused--because the actualization is not from the self, but from the sometimes false perceptions of others.

Go inside. Have a look. And then tell US who you are.

We can tell YOU who we see, but more than likely we only have grabbed a tail or an ear or a trunk, and have no idea about who the real you, the whole you, the multi-faceted you, is at all.

Being known is about self-knowledge followed by self-revelation, not testing the reflection you see in other people's eyes and trying to mould ourselves into being what other people see.

I have come to the realization that there are really very few people that we meet in our lives who actually KNOW us--really and truly. And that if I base my self-perception on the often extremely flawed perceptions of others, I get a very weird picture of who I am.

But I can know myself, by going inside and looking. And then strive to reveal what I find to others in the most honest way I can.

As to "which mood" and "do I really want to know?"--that hardly matters. All of those moods are you, and whether I want to know or not matters not at all when it comes to your being who you are.

If I don't want to know, that's MY problem, and one you don't have to worry about. You just BE--and let me wrestle with the "wanting to know"! ;)

[jenny_evergreen]

I would say you are very intelligent, fundamentally kind, struggling to like yourself and full of potential, and have horrible taste in sports. ;) (I detest football.)

[katster.livejournal.com]

Well, baseball too, but I don't live and die on the Giants like I do on my beloved Cal Bears. :) Luckily, that's my only insanity and it'll be over in January. Probably sooner, given the track record of my Bears... :)

As for the rest of it, it sounds right. Thank you. :)

-kat

AOL!

[zibblsnrt.livejournal.com]

For the most part I agree with the answers that you've gotten here and on IRC last night. A lot of what I think about you is obvious, of course. :) You're someone whose limits are far higher than what you consider them to be, on top of all that, and I can sort of see you edging towards realizing that.

[katster.livejournal.com]

Someday, eh? :)

anyway, yeah. I think I'd feel better when I get you full-time, but ye know that.

But I'm working on it.

-kat

Hmmm.... how would I describe Katster to someone else?

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

Blazingly smart. Smarter than I am, and that's not something I readily say about anyone.

Dealing as well as anyone could with a raw hand dealt her by the Gene Activation Fairy; therefore, courageous.

Able to be both honest and funny without hurting the feelings of others, though not above being nasty when she wants to be. ^_^ (As Alice Roosevelt Longworth is reputed to have said, "If you can't say something nice, then come and sit by me.")

And generously proportioned, with a nice smile and nice eyes. As I am myself, so I can say it. I mean, why pretend? (Seen on bumper sticker: "I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet.")

Feel better? I hope so. (Childhood playground chat: "I am rubber, you are glue; anything you say to me, bounces off me, sticks to you.")

This comment seems to be full of the thoughts of others. I do hope you can be satisfied with this.

[kuangning]

*smiles.* You're not a worse person for needing to hear it every now and again -- we all do. It's hard to find words sometimes for the way I think of you, though. You're a solid member of my core group -- always caring, always willing to give even when you don't have much for yourself. Stronger than you think -- and that's not hard. I think you take deserved pride in your intelligence, but you don't recognise your own strength.

Beyond that ... well, frawst told me very recently that there is joy in being the kind of person that friends want to help. I'm finding that hard to accept for myself, but not hard at all to see for you -- knowing, of course, that's there's probably little to no joy for you either in needing help. But I know of very few people who draw the response you do, and that means a lot. You bring out the best in almost everyone.

[katster.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I'm getting odd conflicting opinions on that and I'm trying to work out the signal to noise to figure out what exactly's going on. 'Cause there's a conflicting signal that tells me I shouldn't ask what others see in me when I can't see it myself.

I'm trying to learn the difference between needing help and not needing help, and maybe sometimes I can't tell the difference. It really sucks.

But yeah, I'm trying, and I appreciate what you've said here, because it helps. :) Just some other stuff to digest before I get too far.

-kat