mattering

[katster]

"It doesn't matter."

It seems to have become my mantra these days. Everywhere I turn, there's more problems, and I can't find solutions. It just seems more and more like I don't matter, really. I mean, I'm supposed to be sitting somewhere fun, doing an internship, not stuck in Redding and dwelling on what a goddamned failure I am again. So I try to lie to myself. It doesn't matter. 'Cause it doesn't, kat doesn't matter.

There's so many things I've tried to help with, only to watch them fall apart. I thought I'd managed to negotiate an end to the mess 3500 miles away. But no, I didn't. I thought i might have been helpful in attempting to deal with another mess, but I ended up stepping in it, trying my best to be honest when I was really tired. And I'm really not sure totally how to interact with any of the three parties involved there. But it doesn't really matter. I am of no use in solving those kinds of problems, as much as I'd like to.

There's a guy I'd like to strangle in the IRC channel I hang out in, but I'm not sure how to tell him he's totterring dangerously close to getting voted off the island. And I think I'm the only one who really dislikes him anyway, so I could be completely wrong about the getting voted off the island part. God knows I don't see well in these crappy ass moods. But you know, it really doesn't matter. And he's not going to read this anyway, LJ is beneath him.

I'm uneasy about the political situation, but I really don't matter there.

And then with my grandfather dying...and I couldn't even bring myself to cry at the funeral. I can't believe he's gone. I just can't. But it doesn't matter.

Why am I so quick to minimize pain? And why does it seem to be just me bearing it alone? I mean, why doesn't anybody *ask*? Well, okay, zibblsnrt has been quietly trying to help despite me snapping at him, and aiobheil has talked to me a few times through some of this. But it's just hard.

I mean, what does one do when one doesn't matter?


I get all the news I need on the weather report
I can gather all the news I need on the weather report
Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile
Du doh du doh du doh and here I am
the only living boy in new york...

Comments

((((Hug))))

[summerlady.livejournal.com]

Of course you matter! No matter what you believe in, or what I believe in, we're all here for a reason. If you do the game of "what if I had never been born" and backtrack it, you'll realize how many people you've affected, how many people you are important to.

My father died a little over two years ago and I still haven't cried. I will someday...I'm just not ready yet. Probably the smallest thing, a memory, a sound, something, will set it off.

By the way, I love that Paul Simon song.