mattering

[katster]

"It doesn't matter."

It seems to have become my mantra these days. Everywhere I turn, there's more problems, and I can't find solutions. It just seems more and more like I don't matter, really. I mean, I'm supposed to be sitting somewhere fun, doing an internship, not stuck in Redding and dwelling on what a goddamned failure I am again. So I try to lie to myself. It doesn't matter. 'Cause it doesn't, kat doesn't matter.

There's so many things I've tried to help with, only to watch them fall apart. I thought I'd managed to negotiate an end to the mess 3500 miles away. But no, I didn't. I thought i might have been helpful in attempting to deal with another mess, but I ended up stepping in it, trying my best to be honest when I was really tired. And I'm really not sure totally how to interact with any of the three parties involved there. But it doesn't really matter. I am of no use in solving those kinds of problems, as much as I'd like to.

There's a guy I'd like to strangle in the IRC channel I hang out in, but I'm not sure how to tell him he's totterring dangerously close to getting voted off the island. And I think I'm the only one who really dislikes him anyway, so I could be completely wrong about the getting voted off the island part. God knows I don't see well in these crappy ass moods. But you know, it really doesn't matter. And he's not going to read this anyway, LJ is beneath him.

I'm uneasy about the political situation, but I really don't matter there.

And then with my grandfather dying...and I couldn't even bring myself to cry at the funeral. I can't believe he's gone. I just can't. But it doesn't matter.

Why am I so quick to minimize pain? And why does it seem to be just me bearing it alone? I mean, why doesn't anybody *ask*? Well, okay, zibblsnrt has been quietly trying to help despite me snapping at him, and aiobheil has talked to me a few times through some of this. But it's just hard.

I mean, what does one do when one doesn't matter?


I get all the news I need on the weather report
I can gather all the news I need on the weather report
Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile
Du doh du doh du doh and here I am
the only living boy in new york...

Comments

[tanesmuti.livejournal.com]

but you DO matter, and you've always helped me when i needed you. you helped ambr when he needed someone, too, and you didn't even really know him. you've been the voice of reason for me many times and without that i don't know what i'd have done.

don't worry about not crying at your grandfathers funeral. sometimes it takes a while before you're able to cry over things like that. i know i do. it took me almost a year to be able to cry about my paternal grandmother and i still haven't got all of it out of my system. i still haven't completely cried out losing my maternal grandmother either. it'll come, just give it time.

i'm sorry i haven't been around at all these last few months. i've missed you most of all. just remember, i'm here if you need anything and i'm only a phone call away if you need to talk.

[ankhenet.livejournal.com]

Kat you *DO* matter a great deal. You matter a great deal to me personally! You have helped me out given me someone to talk to to try to straighten the paranoia in my mind and it has helped wonders. Ari and I have moved forward in leaps and bounds because of your help. More importantly, you have been there for Ari over the past seven years helping her, insuring she didn't lose it all. I have told you once before I am eternally grateful to you for being there for Ari as a friend, what you did the help you gave her is something that I could never repay to you, but I will spend a lifetime trying.

I am sorry for the lose of your grandfather, it is never an easy thing. I told you the day that you told us if you need anything, anything at all to contact us. To talk, listen, to get you out of there for a vacation. I meant it. We are a phone call away and a very short flight away. Ari and I are both here for you. I know you don't know me that well but I am a great listener and I can help, you were there for me, the least I can do for a friend is be there in return.

[archangelbeth]

Hey, I just snagged you from a group-member list (the In Nomine one...) a while back, and I think you matter. There may be things which are low priority to worry about because you can't affect them at the moment and trying will only drive you nuts -- but that doesn't mean you don't matter.

So -- a complete stranger thinks you matter. (But it's so hard to figure out the words for, "Hey, can I help with anything?" It sounds so blunt and trivial, sitting out like that, but I'm only a mind-reader when I'm half asleep and even then all I get is mumbling.)

[True story, dat.]

So. Anything a total stranger can do to help?

[gmonsquared.livejournal.com]

Well, even though you don't know me I think you matter. You're one of the bright points in ascp-10, and one of the reasons I found LJ. I think you're pretty damn cool. I'm always kicking myself I didn't get to meet you that stormy day at the football game in Seattle.

Man I hate to give advice when I don't know much about you, but if it matters I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral either. I do now though, 15 years later. As for people who don't matter, well, don't waste your time on em.

[femakita.livejournal.com]

Hey, if it's someone in #callahans, I probably hate them too. :D

It DOES matter, and so do you

[shmuelisms.livejournal.com]

I'm going through somewhat similar "issues" myself, and I know how depressing things can get (to the point where a sign on the balcony rail that reads "Just Don't" might be a good idea). I too can't seem to get anything done right these days. I can sit here in front of the PC staring at LJ for hours at a time, and not even notice. I can't focus worth a dime. In fact my focus is so off, that I avoid IM, because I can't spell (or type) to save my life either, and this looks pretty pathetic. In the past week, I have managed to get "up to steam" - somewhat. You know how much I managed to "accomplish" in that week? I wrote a total of three pages of documents. <Sarcasm>Wow Me.</Sarcasm> But this IS serious progress. I STILL have yet to write my to-do list, that I have been trying to write for over a month now.

Sometimes things go much slower. Sometimes they flash by.

But you do matter a lot, to many people. You think we would take the time to read your journal, let alone reply, if it weren't so?

Take care of yourself Kat. Please.

((((Hug))))

[summerlady.livejournal.com]

Of course you matter! No matter what you believe in, or what I believe in, we're all here for a reason. If you do the game of "what if I had never been born" and backtrack it, you'll realize how many people you've affected, how many people you are important to.

My father died a little over two years ago and I still haven't cried. I will someday...I'm just not ready yet. Probably the smallest thing, a memory, a sound, something, will set it off.

By the way, I love that Paul Simon song.

[shandrew.livejournal.com]

woo, ascp-10!

Kat, I have a much, much better opinion of cal sports fans because of you.

But you're no Richard Lee :)

and "still enjoying the idea of Notre Dame and BYU in the Pac-10" rew