confuzzled

[katster]

I don't know how I feel right now. Mainly all conflicted.

I'm not sure how to respond to this email, and I'm not sure what to do.

I'm not sure about a lot of things, and hopefully I can shove all my thoughts aside until the weekend, but I doubt that's doable.

my head feels like it's about to implode, so...

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I said I don't expect a response. And now that I know you at least read it and didn't discard it in anger, my stomach is no longer turning. There's a strange sense of calm that comes over you when you've finally managed to let out that "I'm sorry" and know it was heard.

Now there's another one to take care of, and that one won't be quite so easy. *sigh*

[katster.livejournal.com]

Hi Ship.

(and I knew before I checked IP addresses, but then again, maybe you wanted to be obvious. You're welcome to post here as yourself, and you always have been. You'll notice I never returned the favour of removing you from my friends list.)

I'm still thinking about the letter, but as you can probably tell by me responding to this comment, that it's prolly going to work out semi-favourably for you. I still hurt, but there's been points this month where I wished you were around to see my good news and celebrate with me.

I still don't know totally. And that harder letter you've got to write still will say a lot. But...

trying to use my words carefully,
-kat

[whitestar2.livejournal.com]

Nice to know I'm welcome. :)

As for the friends list... I noticed. I kept noticing throughout all the changes I was making to it lately. And even though I was reading your LJ once in a while... just like I felt I couldn't stand to have some of the people on my friends page before I'm ready, not because I didn't want to hear what they have to say, but because it would draw me back before I'm ready, I never added you back because I feared it might push me to say things hastily before I've had the time to think about it enough. I really needed to feel it came from the right place in me.

I'm anal like that, sometimes. ;)

And that's why the other letter is so hard to write. I know it's needed. And I want to write it. I just can't think how, and I can't help wonder if I'm doing it, not because I'm ready to, but because I want to be nice and even with both of you. And it isn't fair toward him.

You know what, I'll just be quiet now. Experience has taught me that the less I say, the better.