depressed, again...skip over if you don't want to hear it.

[katster]

was reading my friends page. This summed up so well what's been going on today...

this isnt a good night. One minute, i'm okay.. the next minute, i wanna curl up in a hole and die. I don't have the will to do anything anymore.. everywhere i go and everywhere i look, i'm reminded or things.. I wish i could disappear, but I can't.. im trapped. and im suffocating. and theres no. way. out. when i'm with friends, i feel so alone & its unbearable. just who the fuck are my real friends anyways?
fuck this, man.
fuck you.

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=16635179&nc=2

This is pretty much how my day has gone, from deliriously happy to abyss staring in just 12 hours. And it doesn't make any sense, why this sudden crash, from where I was actually doing stable, if not well. Why this pain? Why this madness? Why is my fucking head picking *now* to dwell on the unchangable past and the immutable future?

if he saw how much I was hurting, he'd laugh. Sometimes I wonder how much he really cares. And that's just a piece of the puzzle.

I'm feeling very alone these days. I tend towards introversion at the best of times, and when I get depressed, I slip completely into it, attempting to go days without talking. And very few people notice. I'm not sure why this is, but nobody ever notices when I get depressed. And this does wonderful things to my friends groups. I remember once, standing on the beach, and the thought occured to me that I could walk into the ocean and drown right at that point, and the friends I was on the beach with? They wouldn't care, it would just be another tragedy that didn't really affect them, I wasn't really one of their friends.

And I can truly convince myself of that lie when I'm depressed. Because I honestly don't see how anybody could love the pathetic piece of meat that is sitting here typing this right now, and that I've managed to make all the good things up. Somehow, I convince myself that people don't care...

And that's when the silence starts eating at me. And any negative comment is seized upon and multiplied a thousandfold. But then what do I know, I'm just trolling for sympathy. He doesn't understand, doesn't want to understand, can't understand...and yet, comments in a manner where I can neither talk back or ignore.

Just...I don't know. I want out, and I can't find the way out. Can't find a way, nothing less drastic than the way I've promised not to take. make it go away.

Comments

[kuangning]

Somehow, it is easy to make yourself believe that no-one will notice or care what happens to you. And I know that I've never managed to figure out why, at the times when I most need to hold on, it's so hard to see a reason to do so. And I'm probably the best and the worst person at the same time to say anything right now, given the history we've made between us, but, you know, nothing I said the first time I spoke up has changed.

You're so much more than you give yourself credit for, it astounds me. A pathetic piece of meat? Hardly. Kat, who's astonished me and delighted me and stolen the hearts of some of the people I love best without even trying... and don't think that sometimes I don't wonder how you manage it, this gathering of loyalties, and if not for the fact that you stole my heart away too, I'd be rather resentful of you... that Kat's got a heart and soul and mind that are a match and more than a match for almost anyone's. Katling, who inspires me and cheers me and crushes me and draws reactions from me that not many people can, will never, ever be just a piece of meat, or just words on a screen, or "just" anything else. No, sometimes I don't notice. Yes, sometimes I do notice and hesitate to speak up. But, YES, you do matter. You matter greatly, you're missed when you're not here, and you're so firmly a part of my core group and my life that I wonder how you can ever doubt it, until I remember that I have to fight that fight too. Hang in there, katling. You are loved, and you are strong, and you willpull through.

[tanesmuti.livejournal.com]

well, he's got his own problems, a lot similar to yours atm, only he deals with it badly or not at all. he hasn't the history of treatment you have, as far as i know. it might help to try to compare you, 4 years ago, with him, right now.

secondly, you've said it yourself. it's not the same irl as it is online. you've never really been able to avoid this kind of situation online, but irl you two manage nicely. environment is an issue. there's always been friction net-wise, when you do manage to be on speaking terms, you annoy each other to death.

communication is gonna be an issue too. you need to be blunt and not hold back, otherwise he'll misinterpret. he *needs* you to be blunt because it's the only way he's certain of what's being said. he may not like the message, but he'll appreciate the clarity, just as he needs to ask if he's not certain.

---

i care, and i'm sure you know this. this lack of time isn't going to last forever. and your being at home, which isn't helpful for you, won't last forever either. i've said this before, but it bears repeating, home is a bad environment for you. you seem to have quite a few problems when you're at home that you don't have when you're at school. even though you hated your job and it was a difficult summer from hell, you needed that time out of the house.

---

just remember, you've got a working stabilizer and a doc that's working with you on various things. it's going to take time, but that's a light at the end of the tunnel you didn't have before. something this big, you gotta count on it taking several years to sort out and get under control. ;P

ari, hemt-bast