depressed, again...skip over if you don't want to hear it.

[katster]

was reading my friends page. This summed up so well what's been going on today...

this isnt a good night. One minute, i'm okay.. the next minute, i wanna curl up in a hole and die. I don't have the will to do anything anymore.. everywhere i go and everywhere i look, i'm reminded or things.. I wish i could disappear, but I can't.. im trapped. and im suffocating. and theres no. way. out. when i'm with friends, i feel so alone & its unbearable. just who the fuck are my real friends anyways?
fuck this, man.
fuck you.

http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?itemid=16635179&nc=2

This is pretty much how my day has gone, from deliriously happy to abyss staring in just 12 hours. And it doesn't make any sense, why this sudden crash, from where I was actually doing stable, if not well. Why this pain? Why this madness? Why is my fucking head picking *now* to dwell on the unchangable past and the immutable future?

if he saw how much I was hurting, he'd laugh. Sometimes I wonder how much he really cares. And that's just a piece of the puzzle.

I'm feeling very alone these days. I tend towards introversion at the best of times, and when I get depressed, I slip completely into it, attempting to go days without talking. And very few people notice. I'm not sure why this is, but nobody ever notices when I get depressed. And this does wonderful things to my friends groups. I remember once, standing on the beach, and the thought occured to me that I could walk into the ocean and drown right at that point, and the friends I was on the beach with? They wouldn't care, it would just be another tragedy that didn't really affect them, I wasn't really one of their friends.

And I can truly convince myself of that lie when I'm depressed. Because I honestly don't see how anybody could love the pathetic piece of meat that is sitting here typing this right now, and that I've managed to make all the good things up. Somehow, I convince myself that people don't care...

And that's when the silence starts eating at me. And any negative comment is seized upon and multiplied a thousandfold. But then what do I know, I'm just trolling for sympathy. He doesn't understand, doesn't want to understand, can't understand...and yet, comments in a manner where I can neither talk back or ignore.

Just...I don't know. I want out, and I can't find the way out. Can't find a way, nothing less drastic than the way I've promised not to take. make it go away.