doom and gloom and unreadable rants.

[katster]

There are days when the siren call of 'you could disappear and nobody would care about you' runs pretty loud. Today has been one of those days where it has, and I very nearly believe it. And at the same time I feel pretty damned stupid about saying anything at all, because it'll look like whinging (which it sorta is), and it's sorta because I'm not feeling well (but whether that's because I'm somatically sick or just riding the teeth of a very nasty depression is up for debate), but I'm very close to believing that if I was to disappear off the face of the Earth, that nobody would wonder or care about what happened.

Yeah, I'm really very horribly lonely. A lot of it has to do with the fact that in real life I feel as if I'm being asked to juggle five balls too many and that it's really been a miracle that I've not dropped them yet, My mother is very good at squashing my own thoughts (in the last week I've been lectured about how I'm not doing enough around the house and yet, when I brought up the possibility of moving out when we get to Sac, she says she won't cosign on an apartment even though I did fine the last time, which sorta stunk.)

There are times I'm horribly convinced this move to Sac was and remains the wrong thing.

As for the reason I might need a cosigner, I fucking did it to myself. I'm an idiot. That's all I have to say.

So yeah. There's a point where I feel like I'm slowly drowning and that nobody's noticing. And that feeling is just extraordinarily strong tonight. And as much as there's logical reasons for everything I'm feeling...well...

Shit. I should have *never* come home in the first place. 'Cause it doesn't look like I'll ever get out again.

Comments

[jcatquince.livejournal.com]

Hon, they can't keep you there forever. I believe in you, and I know you will struggle through this also. You are a wonderful person, and I have faith in you.

Depression sucks

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[rickvs.livejournal.com]

*comfort*. You would be missed. I hope you decide to stick around. Hanging on in the face of such pain is the difficult option -- but also the very impressive one, to those of us who know your situation. You are well thought of, by myself and others.

[vacheestfachee.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry that your family is sick. Mine is too. But their BS issues with you don't really reflect on *you*... just on their own problems/issues/need for control.

I'm off to try not to be depressed, myself. %P

[ms-interpret.livejournal.com]

Bleh. I feel for you. You can and will get out, and nothing they believe is really a reflection on you. *hug*

[archangelbeth]

*scritchies*

what they said

[andreas_schaefer]

- getting out seems like a good idea.

I'm just one...

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

...of many people who would miss you terribly. I don't always comment, because I'm fighting some of my own demons just lately, but I hope it helps knowing people DO care. There's only one you -

Re: I'm just one...

[dandelion-diva.livejournal.com]

Yes. What she said.

Gessi

[maruchan.livejournal.com]

Well. I don't know what to say except that I do care and I am reading these things, for what that's worth. *hug*

I would miss you, most definitely.

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

Also, FWIW, I feel kinda bad about how our last conversation in #iff ended, with someonewhoshallbenameless swooping in and using up the available electrons. I shoulda had the smarts to IM you and keep going. Just ending like that was rude, and I'm sorry.

Once you get to SAC, the job prospects will open up a bit. And once you have some money of your own, it will be easier to get away from time to time, and eventually to move out. I know that doesn't help now... but it will come to pass.