random ramblings.

[katster]

Never been lonely
Never been lied to
Never had to scuffle in fear
Nothing denied to
Born at the instant
The church bells chime
And the whole world whispering
Born at the right time
     -Paul Simon, "Born at the Right Time", Rhythm of the Saints

I've always wanted to write a story based on the more literal interpretation of these lyrics. That is, a child who was born that nobody found that they could out and out lie around them. For some reason, I thought that meant he'd go through life without being hurt, but on the other hand, I guess that the truth can hurt as much as lies. Although lies have the insidious quality of slowly eating away at the base of good things, so maybe he'd hurt less. Of course, in my variant, having everything he could want would have made him a level-headed kid, but now that I think about it, he'd turn out a spoiled brat nine times out of ten. Of course, it'd be my story, the miracle could have caused the latter quality to occur...

But I guess that's not the point. I guess the point is that I'd like the ability to see which statements are truth and which are lies, and I wish I could interpret silence better. I wish I could say things that need to be said without hurting anybody. I wish my self-confidence wasn't such a tattered garment and that it would protect me better from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, as Hamlet would have put it. I wish I wasn't such a fscking coward, because it takes forever for me to say something when I think something's wrong. And I wish my brain wouldn't parse disagreement as conflict, which makes me back away from it instead of confronting it head on.

The short of it, and I'm sure there'll be some folks who can manipulate this, is that I hate hurting people. I hate that crushing feeling I get when people are in pain because I didn't watch what I said or what I did, or what just seems to be my fault. I know I'm not Jesus (although sometimes I wish I were), but I've got a guilt complex a mile wide, and I'm not even sure how to go about dismantling it. God knows zibblsnrt has tried, but a lot of it just stubbornly refuses to come down.

It's taken me a while to realize that I feel pain much more strongly than other people. Well, probably, I feel everything more intesely than other people do, but pain and guilt are sort of the focus of this rambling, so we'll go with it. The other thing I noticed, and I feel this most strongly with the bad emotions (pain, sadness, fear, upset) is that I'm a mirror, and I tend to reflect those feelings back. It's a crazy thing, and if it's not happened multiple times, I'd believe it's just a figment of my imagination, made up to make me feel special. Because deep down inside, I'm a perfectly non-descript person whom nobody can see or remember, just being there. Something less than human. Something like the way leprosy was treated in Biblical times. "Unclean! Unclean!"

And I guess the short of it is that I'm surprised I have friends at all, and I'd not be surprised if every single one of my friends wanted to leave me. Because I probably am a monster at heart, or at least a bad person. And I know people change, and I know every single friendship is in a state of flux, but it would be nice to know where I went wrong and why I'm feeling that there are folks who really would prefer not to be friends with me.

Because if 2001 was the year of the jackbooted thug, and 2002 was the malevolent prankster, then I think 2003 might be the year who made everything good into bad things. At least, that's the way I'm leaning on this third day of November, in the year of our lord two thousand and three.

And now I guess I'd better quit rambling into a text editor and go work on my presentation and paper. G'day, LJ world.

Comments

[kaosfury.livejournal.com]

Nope. I don't buy it. You have friends because you deserve them. If you really didn't deserve friends you wouldn't have anywhere near as many as you have.

[kuangning]

That's my take, too. *hugs you both.*

[fearghaill.livejournal.com]

He's about nailed it. I'm your friend because I want to be, because I see you as someone whose friendship is worthwhile.

If I didn't honestly believe this, I wouldn't be here right now.

[zibblsnrt.livejournal.com]

If there was some sort of sign or proof that you were a bad person, it would have slipped by now. Some of us have known you how many years, now, with only one person actually starting to act towards you with genuine malice during that time? Sorry, can't buy that you're the monster you're claiming you are here.

All I see is other peoples' irresponsibility and childishness right now. There's a few people who need to get out of their shells and give you some real apologies and efforts to prove their friendships exist, but the fault in that situation lies squarely in their camp, not yours.

At the risk of a little profanity...

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

... I will now give you the meaning of therapy.

Therapy is so you can get totally familiar with your own shit--size, shape, smell, even taste.

Then, when someone hands you a pile of shit, you can say, "Yes, this is mine over here--but this is yours," and hand theirs back to them.

And that seems to be what the rest of your common taters are saying. Whatever's going on, it's not your shit.