a few minor thoughts...

[katster]

me: "Yeah, I was standing outside MacArthur BART waiting for the bus, and I was trying to come up with a character to amuse myself, so I was rotating through my head for Hispanic names and stumbled upon Juan. And came up with "Juan (The Hurricane) Sanchez! Born in Bermuda, moved to Halifax at a young age..."

zibblsnrt: "I think you're anthropomoriphizing the storm a bit much."

--from a phone conversation this evening with zibblsnrt as Hurricane Juan came ashore in his neck of the woods.
***
So, I'm really emotionally unstable this week. Going home to say goodbye, though it had to be done, managed to upset me even more. Which caused a bit of a spat with zibblsnrt as we managed to awkwardly hit sore spots, and then argue about whose fault it was -- with the twist, of course, that both of us were arguing that it was our fault. And I got really upset at one point last night and made the suggestion of ending the relationship, hence the cryptic comment. But it's okay now. And aiobheil had some wise thoughts on the matter:

"here's what I absolutely know: you two love each other. really and truly Love each other. even if you split, I don't think it'd last long. and I can't see him walking away from you under any circumstances but pure hell." (copied out of my IRC window, so that's what she said). And she's right. I just have to keep myself from attempting to napalm the relationship because I hate seeing him hurting. And I doubly hate it when I think I'm the one that did it, and I doubly hate seeing somebody follow me down the spiral, which is the hardest thing about loving...because the people who love me want to follow me down into that despair and drag me out.

And Zibb's something special anyway. 'cause this line, later in the conversation, is the truth. And I was able to see it, 'cause it's my line: " i guess it helps to know that boy would honestly walk through fire if he thought it would make me feel better."

And with tomorrow being 21 months (or a year and three fourths), maybe I needed the reminder this is something special...and I do love him. and I know he loves me.

(The crypticness of the comment comes from something whitestar2 said to me once. "If you and Zibb break up, the entire network is going to have to go in for therapy.")
***
And in happy making, Cal beat #3 USC this weekend, so that post will be up soon when I can get a minute or two to update and put my thoughts down.

Now, to bed with me, so I can have somewhat of a shot of getting homework done...

Comments

We need to get you east, or him west, or something...

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

But you knew that.

And you know, while what's happening with Autumn may play into other things, it's also the sort of thing that people who don't have mood disorders get depressed and melancholy about. I'd be much, much more worried about someone who wasn't affected by something like this.

And, BTW, love the Spirited Away icon.

[katster.livejournal.com]

May hopefully. but I honestly don't hold out much hope for it at the moment because neither of us really have the funds for it. Even though I want him here so bad. Not unless a miracle happens, and life these days has been the sort to want to give me ugly surprises instead of happy joyful hopeful ones.

I really hate life sometimes.

And I know it's normal, but I still feel stupid about it. Like it's dumb that I care so much about an animal. And I'm not sure how to explain it to anybody except that mentally I'm falling apart *again*, and there's nobody to turn to.

Nobody at all.

I mean, I know there's folks who'll listen if I need it. But it's difficult at the moment to talk to Zibb (thank you Juan), Cal's always busy, Ari's been off in her own world and busy as well, and that's about the extent of my support net of people I talk to by voice. And that seems to help somewhat, although that being the only way I can talk to Zibb at the moment isn't helping, because his mind has troubles doing just one thing at a time, and he gets antsy after being on the phone for a while.

And I feel like I'm intruding anyway, so I've got this wonderful phone plan that I can call anywhere in the US and Canada without paying by the minute, and I pretty much only call zibb 'cause I feel like I'm bugging everybody else.

And the 'Net feels somewhat less personal, although I'd do a lot to have Zibb back on it right now.

As for the icon, miggy did it. And I needed something for thoughtful posts. So I swiped it. :)

-kat