a bit more on the nature of the depression beast.

[katster]

There are times I wish people who have never felt the soul crunching power of a nasty depression could feel it. The slow constriction of viewpoint. The mocking voice in one's head, critiquing your every move and thought, and bringing up the worst That same awful little voice that discounts every good thing that's happened to you as well as the people who care about you and magnifying what are minor critiques into huge failures. Because, to somebody that's in a depressive phase, the worst case is the only case. It's a peculiar kind of blindness, a blindness of the soul, almost.

I don't get depressed as an attention device. Trust me...there's much, much, MUCH better ways of getting attention. To use depression as an attention getting device would be like using rotting boards to build your house, it's going to collapse that much easier. Because everything gets twisted when the depression beast gets at it.

Yeah, my self-confidence is pretty rotten. Every time I get to a point where I think I can hold myself together, I find one of those rotting boards laid down when I wasn't so sure of myself, and *boom*, here we go again. Which is why I tried talking about the dichotomy between knowing and feeling. I'm slowly winning, I can sorta hold the 'knows' to me against the hurricane of 'feels', but it's still hard and I'm still learning. And occassionally, in the darkest of nights, calling out for a flashlight or a candle in the dark or anything is the only way to keep from losing myself in the dark. And that's what I was trying to do, last night, is find those little points of light that I knew had to be out there, but that because of something that isn't even really *my* fault left me particularly blind.

I mean, I wish I could just bootstrap my way out of this. I really do, it'd mean that everybody who thought depression was just a matter of willpower would be right. Yeah, okay, maybe you can bootstrap your way out of your depressions. There's lots of reasons for that. Maybe yours are milder, it's not my place to say. Maybe you can force a conversation with the depression beast, in which case, good for you. But for some reason, I can't. I pretty much have to ride them out, which is a difficult task at the best of times.

It's not because I'm lazy, or that I don't want to not be depressed, or any of that. And some of the commentary last night was for the people I deal with on a more regular basis, where they'll run up against the moods more easily. And I was also trying to explain periods of pensive silence, which I know show up even here. I'm not doing this because I want the attention. Hell, the depression beast was fighting me every step of the way because asking like that is my attempt to start dragging myself back out of the pit again.

So thanks for sticking by me everybody, I'm slowly piecing things back together again. it'll be better soon. I mean, I am feeling better now.

More later.

I cannot move a mountain now,
I can no longer run
I cannot be who I was then,
In a way, I never was

Comments

[shadur.livejournal.com]

Any time, Katya. Any time.
*hug*

See you back in the sun when you get there. :)

[rickvs.livejournal.com]

From talking to other folks I know with depression, the best I can figure is, the same way some party drugs make one feel like everything is wonderful (local evidence to the contrary), the brain chemistry of some people makes them feel like the world sucks (some evidence to the contrary). Clinically depressed folks, aren't, in my experience, lazy nor weak nor short on willpower -- they are braver and stronger and more determined than I am; if they weren't, they'd already be dead. And anyone who thinks that somebody with cinderblocks tied to their feet should be able to keep up with everyone else is an idiot.

[ravan.livejournal.com]

anyone who thinks that somebody with cinderblocks tied to their feet should be able to keep up with everyone else is an idiot

What he said. Clinical depression isn't just a "case of the blues", it's a neverending trainload dumping onyou, constantly.

If you haven't talked to your doc, do so, please. Being stuck under the suffocating mound of depression sucks.

[anahata56.livejournal.com]

Clinical depression is a disease. It is a physiological, biological disorder of body chemistry requiring treatment that will help balance that body chemistry in order to be overcome.

Nobody would expect an insulin-dependent diabetic to "get over it" and do well without their medication.

A lot of the problem seems to be, however, the ability to effectively determine which medications will work best in specific individuals. That being the case, sometimes it takes awhile before results are seen.

But to expect anyone to "just get over it", without that assistance, is a fool.

[anisoptera.livejournal.com]

It is awful when my depression has reached the place where I feel like I am a waste of food and air. It felt like I would never get past that spot.

I did and I'm doing pretty well now. I that depression did not rob one of the feeling of hope, but it does.

This too shall pass and you will feel better. I promise.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Gods, do I ever hear you. *squish-hug*

[malakim.livejournal.com]

Amen.

Go You Kat!

[shmuelisms.livejournal.com]

For having the strength, and the sense, to reach out for that flashlight in this darkness that is no fault of yours. "A single candle can drive out a lot of darkness". Go you, and we will all get through this together, each of us taking turns holding up our candles, when our candle is brightest, for those who are down at that time.

[archangelbeth]

And the crying for no reason, and feeling bad for feeling bad (is it a plea for attention, oh, bad me bad me)...

PMS moodswings suck. At least when I get them, I can usually trace it to low blood sugar or PMS or both. O:<

(Or, come to think of it, hypothyroidism. Despite my mother-in-law thing, I'm much less down than the last times that things happened on that front. Huh. Yay Hypothyroid meds.)