manic-depression, happy pills, and gaming.

[katster]

The depression beast is eating at me pretty hard. Not particularly sure why, except that this happens, and the best thing to do is ride it out.

It's been a long enough time since I've mentioned it, and I know there's some new people on my friends list who are reading this. I'm manic-depressive. (Yeah, bipolar.) I unfortunately rarely get manic highs, though, and the meds have done a good job of slamming the door on any hypomania episodes even, so feeling really damned good is right out. And it seems as of late I rarely get them even if I'm being a bad katster and not taking my pills.

The soul-crushing depressions, though...they're lessened a bit if I take my happy pills. It's funny, because I've had so many arguments over the benefits of psychiatric drugs with people. And the funny thing is, I'm fully aware they help and I still stop taking them. And I've been really bad about taking them while I've been at home, and Redding is generally a depressing place to begin with. Add in all the stress of the last month, and while it's really no surprise I've been depressed, it's something I could sorta fix. If I wanted to. The problem is, of course, that I'm not really sure I want to.

I mean, even I get it at times, that taking drugs is weak, and I should be able to fucking bootstrap my way out of depressions without any help at all.

And now I'm thinking about roleplay descriptions of manic-depression, and I recalled that GURPS gets it much closer to right than Palladium does. %) Strangely enough, my current GURPS character is a parapeligic, which is a different perspective, but I find it fairly easy to get into that mindset. (I need to write more on that backstory, I mean, beyond the brief character sketch on the character sheet. And I need to dig back through and find what I need to add to my character sheet in regards to the pink poodles dream scene.)

And that reminds me that I think everybody in my gaming group is on LJ, now that we finally convinced Will (inflection) to get himself an LJ. Ars (phantombelcher), UL (sheeple), and DS (feralscot) don't use theirs anymore, but they're here. Aris (aris_tgd) recently picked back up the habit as a way to dissiminate news. Shad (shadur) and I have been posting fairly regularly. And that's everybody, I'm pretty sure.

Didn't get to play last game, but that's because we kinda need Aris for my next scene, which is the end of the arc. And it's going to be interesting, putting a slightly naive Unitarian and a would-have-been Catholic priest with Weirdness Magnet (and the hacker too, they're going to the costume party as the Elven ring holders in the Lord of the Rings: Nicole as Galadriel, Ellis as Gandalf, Ed as Elrond) in the middle of a sorcerous ritual. this is going to be interesting...

(And I have to admit it was pretty funny when half the channel started LotR fanboying on poor Will, who was trying to GM the game and not get into a discussion about the cool parts of LotR. And one of the funnier moments of the night happened when Nicole (my character) accidentally suggested to Rath (one of the major NPCs, a Cherub of Stone) that he really needed to go see the LotR movie when it came out that winter...) [It dawns on me that this will make absolutely no sense to those of you who don't have a grasp of In Nomine, and to explain would make things very complicated. Needless to say, the setting is very cool, and the mailing list is a blast to read at times, and the line editor (*waves to archangelbeth*) is a hip frood who knows where her towel is.) :)

Yeah, I need to go translate IRC gaming logs into something coherent for other people to read, our campaign has been pretty funny. And because Fractured Fairy Tales needs to be told. (Will set "The Granite Madams Want Snow White's Head" as the topic in our gaming channel during that arc, but I tend to call it by the former name.) As you can tell, this campain is one of the things that is making me happy right now.

Okay, to bed with me, I've babbled enough. :) Sorry this is half coherent, this is how my brain works at 4:30 AM. :)

Comments

[zibblsnrt.livejournal.com]

And now I'm thinking about roleplay descriptions of manic-depression, and I recalled that GURPS gets it much closer to right than Palladium does. %)

I've got this image of Palladium's rules saying a character in a depressive phase loses 3d10x5 MDC for the duration of the phase or something... Dare I ask what it actually is? ;)

[katster.livejournal.com]

hehe, not really.

I didn't like Palladium's because it assumes that it's a constant. I'd love two weeks manic, and two weeks depressed as a constant, y'know?

GURPS at least calls for a random die roll every day, which simulates a lot more of the jerkiness of having it. :)

-kat

[malakim.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm bipolar too, so I can understand what you're going through. But remember, if you're one of those that are manic depressive because of fun brain chemistry things, you can't "bootstrap" yourself out of depression. You're feeling wacked because your brain chemistry's out of balance.

I know when I'm having those times becuase sometimes there isn't anything really wrong with my life at the time, and I start playing with my knives again. c.c

I'm not taking any meds right now (although I know I should be...I just didn't have the money for it a long time back, and now that I sort-of do, I'm caught in the fun trap again...don't want to when I'm depressed, and don't think I need to when I'm manic ^_^;), so I still have those manic phases, although mine is less the 'boundless energy' type.. I just tend to have creative bursts and my brain won't shut up. But they worry me more than anything, because I know if I have a big manic burst, a sharp depression usually follows. ^_^;;

[katster.livejournal.com]

Tell me about it. :P

I get nasty mixed states. I have a ton of nervous energy, but I don't feel all that great and don't want to do anything. The nervous energy tends to channel into anger, which makes me oh so plesant to be around.

It's not money at the moment, I'm just on an "I don't want to take these damned things" kick again. I need to stop that.

And I know all about the "goddamn it, my life is fine, why am I depressed..." feeling. :(

And I know I can't bootstrap out, it's a depression beast flogging point. Because people that don't understand the illness have told me in the past that I just need to "think happy thoughts" and I will magically no longer be depressed. And so that was kinda an ironic sort of anger at the whole idea.

-kat

[shadur.livejournal.com]

(and the hacker too, they're going to the costume party as the Elven ring holders in the Lord of the Rings: Nicole as Galadriel, Ellis as Gandalf, Ed as Elrond)

And the hacker -- who resents that term, btw ;) -- has helpfully been scarfing the internet for footage either from previews or leaked info so as to get the costumes right...

[katster.livejournal.com]

Yeah, yeah, Nicole wouldn't call Ed a hacker to his face, and I meant 'hacker' in the old sense of the word, as in somebody who can pull off neat tricks with computers, and Ed definitely fits that description. :)

Besides, I needed a quick way to describe Ed. :)

-kat

[shadur.livejournal.com]

Besides, I needed a quick way to describe Ed. :)

"Root".

[katster.livejournal.com]

Hehe...

Ed ought to say sometime, "Root, God, what is difference?" ;)

And it was funny the time he got Balseraphed into giving the suspect an email address... %)

-kat

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

Entirely coincidentally, I stayed up too late last night creating a community for people to post their gaming journals in. It's at rpg_adventures. I thought it would be fun to read about other people's games, and I know that ours is utterly absorbing to everyone... (trails off in irony...)

[katster.livejournal.com]

I went ahead and joined.

Part of the reason I want to type up the logs in a more readable format is that we occassionally get new players joining the game, and stumbling through months and months of IRC logs is just not something that is a whole lot of fun. But of course, it's a 'when I find time haw haw' sort of endeavour.

-kat

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we left our "regular" game for the summer and in a fit of stupidity I agreed to summarize the last year and a half of play. That's a lot of game to post!

[ladycalliope.livejournal.com]

I mean, even I get it at times, that taking drugs is weak, and I should be able to fucking bootstrap my way out of depressions without any help at all.

Says who?

[katster.livejournal.com]

General vibes from people, y'know?

I have at least one friend that believes psychiatric medications are a crutch, and at least two or three other friends who have stated that all I needed to do to get out of a depression was to 'think happy thoughts'.

Grr.

And I internalize it. It figures.

I mean, I know I can't bootstrap. God knows I've tried, but it just isn't happening. But when you're trying to pull yourself apart for every minor flaw (as the depression beast is wont to do), then it's just as good of a flogging point as most others...

-kat