There but for the grace of God...

[katster]

Riding the bus home from downtown today. We pulled up at the corner of Dana St. and Durant Ave., and there was a lady sitting on the bus bench. It became soon apparant that this wasn't your typical old lady, I mean at first, she had red cheeks, but lots of people have rosy cheeks.

And then she screamed, "FUCKERS" and slapped her face.

This display went on for the two minutes the bus was pulled up. She must have hit herself a good seven or eight times in that time span.

The bus driver was laughing his head off. I was thinking, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Mental illness is nasty. And while this lady was the extreme example, there's those of us who wonder what good we're going to be to society, after all the accomodations are stripped away, and sanity hanging on a regular supply of prescription drugs. People like me.

For those of you not in the know, I'm manic-depressive. And while I've done a ton despite the illness, it sneaks up on me. And it makes me wonder if my demons are that lady's demons, or will be those lady's demons. I wonder if I'll chase away everybody who loves me, and be left to sit on a bus bench dealing with my internal demons while people laugh at me.

And it brings me near tears.

Comments

Well, maybe you will...

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

...but I don't think so. First of all, even when you're depressed you're still lovable. You know where to look for proof of that more than I do.

And second, remember what Tolstoy said about families also applies to individuals ("Happy families are all alike Unhappy families are each unhappy in a different way"). No one's illness is the same as anothers, just as no one's life is the same as anothers, even though they all (superficially) start and end the same. This is an important concept to hang onto, even as we learn to deal with the labels of diagnosis. Your outcome will not be the same as anyone else's. Notice, I'm not saying you will control it, or that it will be good all the time some day, or any other sappy thing.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like your life and love is hanging by a chemical thread. I've been taking thyroid hormone since I was 25--in aother two years, that will be half my life. With it, I'm merely obese and hirsute. Without it... Well, let's not think about that.

And my asthma drugs cost $40/month with prescription coverage.

Well, I'll hang with you if you'll hang with me, even if we're really hanging separately.

And you know what? At least you can look out from yourself at someone who is worse off and feel pain and compassion. I think the most terrible thing about mental illness is the way it sometimes robs people of the capacity to feel compassion.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Does your form of manic depression lend itself to that level of psychosis? That can be scary to think about, definitely. My ex's did -- his lows weren't very low, but his highs would have been that psychotic if we'd let them go on the way they were going. It was scary. I'm glad you mostly have a grip on it, and have ways to deal with it when it gets slippery.

[serendipity.livejournal.com]

I think the bus driver who laughed is the one to *really* worry about. :(

[beki.livejournal.com]

I doubt it, she sounds more like she has tourettes.. I knew someone with it, and they would shout inappropriate stuff and their left arm would do stuff that they didnt want it to do. It would get really weird sometimes.

[lurkerdrome.livejournal.com]

Re: the old lady - That sounds like full-blown Tourette's Syndrome to me. She's a rarity in that she has the fully developed form of this particular mental illness. It's very sad to go through life with a condition like that, especially as it tends to make a person a bit of a social leper.

Re: the bus driver - Here we have a classic case of brainless, unsympathetic, self-absorbed turd. Which is a condition suffered by about 99% of the human race.