falling apart again...

[katster]

Ever have the feeling that obliterating yourself would be the best thing for the world?

No, I'm not going to actually off myself (sometimes, the more's my pity), but I'm sorta feeling down and out. I mean, I can't focus again to save my life, I feel lousy about myself and my future (what am I kidding myself? The motivation to get through a Ph.D thesis? I don't even have the motivation to do my fucking homework assignments), the one person I even sorta trust in the putting the pieces back together again is thirtyfive hundred miles away, and I'm just feeling horribly lonely. And there's times when it's hard as hell to figure out what he sees in me, anyway.

I don't have a lot of friends here. Not friends I can confide in, anyway. The friends I trust the most...well, the closest is in San Diego. Well, okay, there's Luns, but we don't talk much about feelings.

what is wrong with me? why am I falling apart at the seams?

why?

it sounds crazy as all get out, but...I just want a hug. That's all.

welcome to hell.

Comments

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I have the same problem getting motivated for homework. I have no clue about what I want to be when I grow up and it's getting to be a real drag. Hang in there, wonderful things can and do happen. *morehugs*

[kuangning]

*hugs.* Wired told me, not so very long ago, that depression is "the kudzu of the mind." You're not falling apart at the seams, it's just crept back in to try to get a hold on you someplace. And that's even okay, so long as you remember that you *are* capable of uprooting it or burning it out. Hang in there, hmm?

[bassbone.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
I know the feeling. Sometimes I can't live without a hug. No one hugs me. And I know the feeling of being unmotivated. It's why I spend so much time in front of the computer. It sucks, but it happens sometimes. I'll send GoodThoughts as hard as I can.
*hugs*

[shadur.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[wiredferret.livejournal.com]

You will make it, though. Homework is hard for me to do, too, and self-doubt is easy, but if I can just take my life in tiny chunks, 15 minutes at a time, I can panic less. No future, just the next 15 minutes.

[http://users.livejournal.com/killjoy_/]

*hug*

i think i know a lot of what you're talking about... but i don't know of anything very useful i can say, really. well... except bandwagoning and asking you to hang in there. please. 'cause i'm polite, y'know. or something.

-kj

You know, there's two kinds of success.

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

And you are already successful at the important stuff--making and keeping friends, giving and receiving love, blah, blah, yadda, yadda...

The other kind of success is important, but not as important. You have the foundation of a reasonably happy life (imbalances aside, and those come and go). Whatever you build will stand.

[freyjaw.livejournal.com]

If we could manage to meet up on Telegraph (I hit the street vendors), you could get that hug in person! Our family is right here in Oakland.