blah.

[katster]

I'm really not sure what to say here anymore...I think this is mostly a good thing, but I think I'll need some time to check that assumption before I go with it.

Anyway, things seem to be going extraordinarily good right now, but there's a bit of looking around every corner, wondering when the next shoe is going to fall to hit my head.

I mean, in the last two weeks, I've started school and discovered that my classes are interesting, discovered two of my three roommates are neat people (the third I'm reserving judgement on at the moment -- there's a story here, more about it later), found out that I get a check this semester that will cover my rent for ten months (and get another just like it in January), watched my sister move in, found a church that feels like coming home, and in general have had a blast...things are going my way right now.

But my brain still randomly decides it wants to be depressed.

I'm not sure I understand.

Comments

[madforry.livejournal.com]

Cheer up katya. It could be worse.

[katster.livejournal.com]

Duh, forry.

I know this. Hence this journal entry. Depression isn't something that one can just "cheer up about", y'know. And due to some fucked up brain chemicals, I'm feeling this way despite having a life that's going in mostly the right direction.

I *know* it seems irrational, I know it seems stupid, but dammit, it's how I'm feeling, and in some ways, y'kinda made it seem trivial. And perhaps it is, but it's me, and it's how I think, and it's something I have to deal with. And that's why I post. I have just been feeling a great reticience to do so, and trying to figure out why...and I think it's because I feel, in some ways, trivialized. And I'm not sure I can explain it better than that.

-kat

We don't like to acknowledge it...

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

...but the brain chemicals have a lot more to do with our emotional states than our outward circumstances do. For me, anyway, and maybe for you.

With me, it's PMS--sometimes, Thelma-and-Louise-grade PMS. The kind that could get you out of prison because you weren't responsible for your actions. No fun, nope, not at all. And if there's nothing in RL to get royally pissed about, I'll be screaming at the mirror about something horrid that happened in third grade.

The thing is, after (quick calculation) 35 years of this, I kinda know it's the follicle stimulating hormone talking, just like you know there's no reason to be depressed, and yet you are. If you can stand outside yourself and just let it be the way it is, and remember that Kat really, truly is more than the sum of her endorphins and wossname receptors, you'll see more joyous days, and even some just plain calm ones. Calm is good.

[madforry.livejournal.com]

Sorry... didn't mean to bum ya out about it.

That's AWESOME!!!!!

[wjhansen.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear that things are going well for you! Keep that chin up and remember to smile!!! :)