Accepting oneself

[katster]

Personal info follows. Don't read if you don't care about my attempts to accept myself.

So, I just got out of the shower, right? I just got out of the shower and was staring at myself in the mirror, seeing how I look without my clothes on. Yeah, smartass, I was nekkid, one usually takes their showers that way...and I started thinking about being fat.

Yes. I'm fat. It's not my fault. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but it's been really heavily tied to Insulin Resistance. Which means women with PCOS tend to be heavier than average. And when you combine that with Depakote (a medicine used to stabilize bipolars...), you get very rapid weight gain. And I got hit with it hard.

Last time I weighed myself, I was at SFO trying to find ways to amuse myself at 3 AM, and hopped up on the baggage scale. the digital numbers read 395. And I've lost about two pants sizes since they put me on glucophage to counter the insulin resistance. So that means at some point very recently, I was above 400 pounds.

And this is hard. Everywhere I turn, I get reminded that I'm fat. Airline seats aren't big enough (and now I'm going to get charged the extra seat. Great. So much about being able to afford an airline ticket to visit my sweetie.) My pants are hard to find and cost about $50 each. Every time I go to the doctor, I'm too big for their scale, which maxes out at 350. And everywhere I go, I can see the looks of people. ("She's lazy. She eats way too much. She's huge. God, she'd be so pretty if she'd just lose the weight..") 3X teeshirts are the only ones that fit with any reasonable luck, and good luck in finding those.

And hell, I even get it from my relatives. the weight is a fucking big deal around them. My friends have been a bit better about talking to me and being accepting of me, extra baggage and all. And my beloved ibblzi is fine with me. In fact, he's the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, with no caveats.

And now I'm crying. Why does this bother me so badly?

Why can't I accept who I am?



To bed. I have to be up in three hours.

Comments

[johnbot.livejournal.com]

It just seems that the majority of the people on this planet suck. I want to take all the cool peeps and go somewhere else..

[kaosfury.livejournal.com]

I am with you on that one. :P

My family has a history of obeseity that I hope to break without surgery. I peaked at 250 and stopped eating for a while. That was bad. I am currently on a low carb, low fat, moderate protein diet that includes moderate excersize. I have lost 15 punds in one month, and intend on getting back into the weight loss phase again soon.

Katja, I've seen pics of you. You're a cutie. Pat loves you. Don't forget those things.

[tropism.livejournal.com]

I'd say that I'd simply prefer to burn all of the rest off of the face of the planet, but I don't think that the ecosystem coule recover from the release of all of that waste into the atmosphere...

...Not to mention, I wouldn't mind going somewhere else. ;)

[melstar.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[kshandra]

*hugs* At 5'6" and 335, I can most certainly relate.

3X teeshirts are the only ones that fit with any reasonable luck, and good luck in finding those.

If you can handle the thought of going in alone, check out Casual Male Big&Tall - I found pocket Ts in all sorts of colors there. No doubt they've got message shirts, too, but that's not really my style. And for girlstuff, I can't recommend Making It Big highly enough.... (I'm doubly-blessed, 'cause their one and only retail site is only an hour's drive from here.)

[ex-xtabay204.livejournal.com]

Hi there! I'm also 300+, on the same meds, with PCOS. It is harder to find clothes, but the next time you're in Canada you have to check out a store called Pennington's. They have fantastic stuff for really good prices. I think you'd love the selection.

The other thing is that there's a community on here called fatacceptance, and maybe you should join. There are lots of women in it who are fat and really comfortable with themselves and their bodies. It can be really inspiring. Obviously your sweetie finds you attractive and sexy, you should try to see yourself through his eyes. :)

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[jenny_evergreen]

BTDT, couldn't find a freakin' T-shirt.
For the record, one *can* find one's way to being fine with being fat. I'm 285 pounds. I've been fat my whole life, and been on the receiving end of all the crap that comes with that.
And now...I'm honestly extremely comfortable being who I am. I need to exercise more...not to lose weight, but to be in better condition. That's pretty much all I worry about nowadays.
Shopping is rough. I like Catherine's (www.catherines.com). The prices are fairly high, but I've seen worse, and they have good sales...and *nice* clothes.
The Lane Bryant Catalog, which is *not* the same as the store, is a recent discovery. I haven't bought anything yet, but I did notice that the prices were pretty good.

Sorry for wandering off there. =)

I'm thinking of you.

[beki.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I am a large person myself. My dad's side of the family sounds a lot like yours. I tend to not associate with them. Especially after my aunt tried to tell me to put my one year old (at that time) daughter on a diet. My daughter at six is 4'5 and about 80 lbs. I would go on my favorite rant, but I shall refrain.

I have dropped around 100 lbs since I had my son two years ago and I weigh somewhere in the 300 lbs range. In between the cancer I have had and other medical issues, I am doing damn well. My husband married me when I weighed around 250-300 or so.

You will get to where you want to be. It's hard to lose weight on medications and with other medical issues. I am there doing that. What you need to do is just try to live in a healthful fashion. If you feel like you are having an ugly day, tell yourself you are pretty worthwhile or what ever it is you feel you arent. Remember everyone has their bad days. The thing is, if you hear it often enough, you will believe it. That goes for the positive as well as the negative.

Chat me up sometime and we can have a bitch session or just to bend an ear :) I can also help plan weddings :

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

*hug*

Joining the merry throng...

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

I'm currently 230, but that's down from my max because I started to work out. I've been fat since my son was born and my thyroid decided to die. Also, I come from a family where about half the women have what's called Excessive Adrenal Testosterone, which means that not only are we large, we also grow beards. I kid you not. A fifteen year old boy would be thrilled to have my beard, and I wish he would show up and take it.

I buy most of my work clothes at Silhouettes. Real silk shirts for big people, yeah!

And, if I may say so, it's OK to grieve for what you want to be and are not. Just don't let it turn to despair. Just think, if you were smart, pretty, AND thin, we'd all hate you... ;-)

Re: Joining the merry throng... Ooops!

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

Make that 330. ^^;

[nekoneko.livejournal.com]

There is only one reason that your weight should concern you, and that is the health risks involved with being overweight - such as high blood pressure, diabetes (which - as you and I know - if you have PCOS, you might as well be considered diabetic as well. -_-;), and heart disease.

Because when it comes to your friends - especially zibblsnrt - we love you for you. We could care less whether you're 395 pounds or 935 pounds! :D Any friend or family member who can't accept you for who you are doesn't deserve your company. You're honestly too awesome of a person to have to deal with people like that.

And when it comes to strangers in public - chances are, you'll never see most of the people that you run into on a daily basis again, except the people you run into at work or something. While in public, shopping or whatever, most of the people you see/see you will never be seen again! SO WHAT DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU?! Their opinions should have no effect on your life whatsoever. They have no power over you and vice versa. So forget about em. :)

When it comes to yourself, I don't know what to tell you. I'm still working on it myself. ^_^;;

*hugs* Feel better. `Kay?

[freyjaw.livejournal.com]

I empathize. I'm 5'5" and 269 lbs. Sometimes I get very negative about my size. It's hard to lose weight when I can't tolerate much exercise. (Fscking fibro!)

I also identify with the emotional abuse your mother has been giving you. That was an issue that one of my loves and I were addressing last night, and Goddess did that hurt! I wish I could find a way to console you or ease your pain. If I could take it from you and carry it myself, I would.

I also think I see where your sweetie is coming from. The same love who was talking about my emotional abuse threw me a curveball. Some of us women at Starport were discussing size acceptance, and I made a comment on my weight. It wasn't even a self-bashing comment. Drewkitty looked up at me and murmured, "You're not overweight." My husband smiled at that.

We large gals have our fans, believe me. Even when we don't believe in ourselves. All we have to do is remember it and believe that even on a subconscious level. It's hard work. The media's idea of beauty and size is so unreasonable as to be beyond absurd.

Lane Bryant rocks!