fscking roller coaster rides...

[katster]

this is gonna come out kinda random and disjointed...thoughts on the matter are encouraged, but keep in mind, I'm fragile, please.

there's a reason I'm not quite back yet. Every time I think I've got it together, I'm coming out of hell, things are clearing...


and then I realize it's not gone. Not at all. The anger, the hurt, the depression...it's not tainting my conscious thoughts, it's happily seething down in the subconcious. Which means that I'm still fragile, still likely to snap, definitely likely to get frustrated easily...

it's february. With apologies to T.S. Eliot, April is not the cruelest month, this horror of a month is. At least it's short. Although that's no consolation, I once had February extend into April. Two months of being on edge, tense, frustrated, on the verge of taking myself out just to get rid of the feelings that I was a nobody and a fuckup who didn't even deserve the few friends I've got.

Having a name for it doesn't always help. Yeah, it's easy to say, that's not me, I'm not this horrible person who can't see through the fog to save her life...but I feel that way. I don't understand, when I go through these horrible times, why anybody wants to be friends with me. Can't they see the horror I do? Can't they see?

Ever stare madness in the eye? I have. It was a February afternoon. Ever nearly get yourself and a good friend killed? I have. It was a February evening. Ever watch somebody you care about turn around and show you that it was for nothing? I have. It was a February morning.

I knew this month was going to be an utter fscking mess from the start, but as I got through the first week with no disaster falling on my head, I thought, maybe, just maybe, this February would be different...famous last fscking words.

i've been sick, between a bladder infection, and what *appears* to be the stomach flu. I've been in a minor auto accident all too close to the date of my last one, which brings up some horrible feelings. I've been whammoed from more directions than you care to think, I've been hurt, I've been betrayed, I'm buried up to my fscking ears in skewlwurk...

i'm tired, I'm stressed, and I want to go back to Monday February 11th and start all over again. I'm so *fscking* behind. I'm so fed up and frustrated with myself for letting me fall into this trap. I'm debating if the pdoc's offer of anti-depressants is something I want, I'm hoping this mess will clear up...but it's not going away. I want it just to go away, I *want* to be happy again.

That's the most frustrating part of this mess, now that I've finally found what it means to be happy, this descent into madness hurts all the more. There's a lot of things that hurt from this week.

and it looks like my body picked this week to play ping-pong with my hormones, which isn't helping the matter any. So yeah...

I'm tired, I'm feeling very lonely, and that's all...I'm just...hurt. and it's a vague feeling.

just as I thought I got it all clear. dammit.


Many's the time I've been mistaken
and many times confused
yes, and I've often felt forsaken
and certainly misused
Oh, but I'm alright
I'm alright
just weary to my bones
still you don't expect to be bright and bon vivant
so far away from home
so far away from home...

I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
Or driven to its knees
Oh, but it's alright
it's alright
For we did so well so long
Still when I think of the road we're travelling on
I wonder what's gone wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what's gone wrong...
--Paul Simon, "American Tune"

...that's sorta the best expression for how I feel at the moment. Back to work at attempting to lift myself out of this through sheer force of will.

Comments

[kaosfury.livejournal.com]

I wish I could tell you that everything was going to be alright. I wish I could come over and help comfort you. I wish I knew more about the situation to actually have anything worthwhile to say to maybe give you a glimmer of hope. All I can say, hollow though it sounds, is that I'm here for you. You can email me in private if you need to talk more (kaosfury@gmx.net), or I have been on IRC more often of late at sandwhich on #spork.

I don't know.

I just know that we've all been through emotional rollercoasters in our lives, some worse than others. I know I've been blessed with a fairly simple and easy life so far. I hope that something or someone comes along to help you snap out of it and see the brighter things in life.

I hope this message helps you in some small way to understand that there are people out there that care even if they don't really know you personally all that well.

what can I say?

[kuangning]

You know where I stand, you know what my feelings and my thoughts are where you're concerned... I keep saying it, but I'll be here still when it all blows over... and it will.

If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

- Savage Garden, Crash and Burn.

Hang in there.

[tropism.livejournal.com]

Well, I think that it's been fairly well proven that I fairly well suck at giving advice at such things, but, as a dog returns to its vomit, and all that...so here come two copper bits; feel free to pick 'em up and toss 'em aside, or whing 'em back at my head.

Don't try to lift yourself up -- step aside out of the stream. Shuck off the weights that try and drag you down -- sure, things may look like they suck now, but, hey, what things were isn't what they are, and what things are aren't what they will be.

So, c'mon, put a dollar in the box by the bar, lift a glass and sing along, with those who stand beside you as friends ...


[ditditdit dahdahdah ditditdit] x3

I've got a smile on my face and I've got four walls around me
I've got the sun in the sky all oh the waters surround me
Oh I win now; sometimes I lose
I've been battered, but I never bruise
It's not so bad...

And I say way, hey, hey it's just an ordinary day,
And it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day, you just got to say "It's allright..."

'Cause in this beautiful life, there's always some sorrow;
It's a double-edged knife, but there's always tomorrow
It's up to you now, if you sink or swim,
just keep the faith that your ship will come in
It's not so bad...

And I say way, hey, hey, it's just an ordinary day
And it's all your state of mind,
And at the end of the day, you've just got to say "It's all right"

I've got a smile on my face and I've got four walls around me...

Great Big Sea, "Ordinary Day"