beginning yet again

[katster]

New beginning, by cuellar on flickr

My psychiatrist chewed me out today. I can’t say I didn’t deserve it. In fact, in all honesty, I needed to be spoken to bluntly about the subject.

You see, last…oh, god, June, was it? When California was having really awful budget problems (err, well, I guess that’s still now, never mind — anyway, last summer), one of the consequences of the lack of state money is that I got kicked off the county mental health program. My psych gave me the number for the place he was moving to, and I made an effort to call, but of course, the callback went to the answering machine and I never got around to returning the tag. I had a couple refills in the system, so it wasn’t really any big deal — so I just forgot about making a new appointment.

…which leads to December and coming off the meds in a rather messy fashion. And yeah, this is a big no-no. Add in that I’m fairly certain the thyroid is out of whack again because I’ve been avoiding my primary care doc — I hate doctors that don’t listen to me — and yeah, it’s probably no frakking wonder *why* I crashed hard in December.

I’d went with the thought that I’d make no resolutions this year, but that’s kinda morphed around a bit. I think I do need to make some. I’m going to keep them low key and somewhat nebulous, because I’m fragile enough that not making them is going to hurt. So I’ve got two semi-nebulous ones out there:

1. Either have or be in a position to obtain full time work by December 31, 2010
2. Have done enough work to warrant enough nominations to end up on the long list of folks nominated for a Hugo for best fanwriter in 2011.

The first is relatively intuitive; the second is just a way of stating “do more fanac in 2010″. I mean, technically, if folks want to include me on their nominations list, that’s awesome, but I want to sorta feel, in my own mind, that I’ve done something I can point to and say that I’ve earned it.

But the doc’s kinda put a 1A that pops up to the top of the list — figure out where this tendency towards self-sabotage is coming from and begin the hard work to thwart it. I mean, I hear you all saying that I’m smart and I’m talented and all of that, and … yeah. I wanna believe you; I’m not entirely sure I can. Which plays into this, I think.

So, I had four monthly goals to achieve, and have done one. A second is coming up because performance reviews are on the table at work…which just makes my stomach even more flippyfloppy.

1. Visit doctor
2. Write resume
3. Begin learning C##
4. Pub ish by 1 Feb

Anyway. I’m going to need my friends. I’m going to need them more than ever. Will you help me?

Originally published at retstak.org. You can comment here or there.

Comments

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

Umm... sure. If I'm reading this right. (Snark, snark.) Alas, I don't read fanfic much any more, as there's not much I'm a fan of. Old lady is old, and reading most scifi makes her realize it.

[spitgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm there! Just let me know how you want me to keep you accountable, and when.

[katster.livejournal.com]

...yeah, HTML copypaste user error.

it's fixed now. Try rereading and see if it makes a bit more sense.

-kat

[archangelbeth]

Eee! If I'd known you were on thyroid meds, and didn't have a prescription refilled... *nags you caringly to keep up with prescriptions*

*offers a hug*

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

You know I'm always here for you - good for you on starting to work on the difficulty in believing, which is something we share. Maybe you will inspire me to do that myself.

[underpope.livejournal.com]

Just let me know what I can do!

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

Aha! You want me to nag you about seeing the doctor? Don't worry, it's no problem, I'll just add you to all the other doctor-related things I'm doing these days.

Sounds like you need to find a new PCP, if you can. After all, the PCP is getting paid to take care of you, so you are the customer and you can choose.

[katster.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, that's the problem though. Medicaid is a nice fun little gotcha. 'Cause, you know, you *have* healthcare, but nobody takes it because they don't get reimbursed enough to make it worth their while. At least, that's the way it seems here in California.

That said, since my psych, as a condition of continuing to see me, put the requirement that I see one of the doctors at the clinic he works at, I think things might start getting a bit better on that front.

And by nag, just nag me in general about how the goals are going. I've got to do something, and this has got to be the year, I think. I'm not sure how else to put it.

-kat

[mrfnord.livejournal.com]

You know me. If you need me, I'm there come hell or high water.

[kuangning]

Count me in. And if you can hand me a calendar of what you need, it'll even be impetus enough for me to put my own stuff on a calendar, right? *hugs you to bitses and back.*

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Yes

[http://users.livejournal.com/killjoy_/]

You know... the self-sabotage thing is really really familiar sounding to me; hell might be part of why I've been withdrawing somewhat from IRC activity. But I'm still here, and I still care. So if I can do anything, please drop a line.

[madforry.livejournal.com]

I may be half a world away, but I will do my best to help Katya. Incidentally, will you be coming to Aussieland for WorldCon this year?