disjoint musings.

[katster]

On a side note, I really dislike pretentious bastards.

today was okay, I guess. I mean, Cal got creamed (what a way to open the season. Fsck.). and I'm sick, and my parents are being annoying, and I'm fighting another damned low level depression....

This is the story of my life.

On a happier note, I got to talk to Zibby, and I got to rpg today, and I even got a bit of a nap in the afternoon, which was nice. Considering I'm running a fever and stuff, and not feeling well in general...it all works, I think.

It's nice to have friends.

On the other hand, I've noticed a tendancy to let it all hang loose, to say things without thinking through consequences. But I'm not sure how to let other people know what I need, how I feel, what I'm thinking. Because when I voice an opinion, it feels like it's slapped out of the air or just not paid attention to. Unless somebody's seeked out my opinion, then it gets paid attention to. Weird.

the self-censorship I put myself through bothers me. I don't say things. Maybe they'll hurt somebody, maybe they'll not be the right thing at the right time...maybe I'm wrong. So I don't say things. I hold my tongue perhaps more than I should.

But what am I supposed to do? On the good side, I don't think anybody actively hates me, and I'm pretty much liked...but what kind of liking is it?

Who am I, really?

What am I trying to hide?

Why can't I tell people what I think of them, their ideas, the way they come across? And why do I have to be the one telling them? Why can't they figure it out for themselves?

I mean...I try. But maybe I don't try hard enough.

if this makes absolutely no sense, don't worry. Most things I write don't.

Comments

free speech

[joii.livejournal.com]

>Why can't I tell people what I think of them, their ideas, the way they come across? And why do I have to be the one telling them? Why can't they figure it out for themselves?

It may be a matter of perspective; sometimes you can see something they can't, just because you're a little farther from a situation.

The decision to speak or not is a personal one...the worst thing that can come from not speaking is for them to think you indifferent; and if you are, this isn't a bad thing. *But* if you have strong feelings about something, or even a perspective that perhaps no one else had seen yet, an angle that had not been considered, if you feel it's worth consideration, you have a responsibility to share it. Like any other responsibility, one you can choose to fulfill or ignore.
Life is full of wonderful choices...*snrk*

>On the other hand, I've noticed a tendancy to let it all hang loose, to say things without thinking through consequences. But I'm not sure how to let other people know what I need, how I feel, what I'm thinking. Because when I voice an opinion, it feels like it's slapped out of the air or just not paid attention to.

Oh, *that's* a familiar feeling. Somehow, I don't think they intend it that way. Really. (But it has been established that good intentions are not enough.)

Sometimes, I'll want to censor myself, because I worry that I'll be seen as preachy, or patronizing, when that's *not* what I'm trying to do at all... I just want to see the ideas pursued. But you've made a point; is self-censorship healthy? To what degree should one modify one's speech for one's audience? And when does that modification become lying? Very thin lines all, ones that ethical people have to walk every time they speak.

Authenticity versus diplomacy, age old struggle.

Well, my authenticity wanted to speak,
my diplomacy wanted to keep her mouth shut and hide...
I guess you can tell which one won.

pax;
-j