oh whoa whoa whoa...
Aug. 1st, 2001 02:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katsterAltruism fscking sucks.
There's a time to ponder when to give everything up, to wonder if you're really the same person you were even at the beginning of the year. If you can even go on caring like you used to, to even try to figure out what to do A sense that if you keep giving like you used to, soon there will be nothing left to give.
o/~ well, I'm thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle o/~
It is too much to ask for payment for what I do? Not in money of course, but in genuine feelings of good will, and caring? Is it too much to ask that in return for my attention that you be honest with me and listen to what I have to say? Is it too much?
The problem with being altruistic and trying to care for people is that you get taken for granted. Well that and when you finally make a decision to save yourself for once, people find it suprising.
I'm tired of always being the figure in the background, the one who tries to keep everybody sane as I fall apart. Maybe I'm too much of a straight arrow. Maybe I'm too much of an altruist. I don't know. I just know I'm tired of my role, but I don't know what to do to change it. Because to become less altruistic is inconcievable.
o/~ let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe/ and leave this to the roaches and mice o/~
I've been pondering wandering away on my own time away from IRC, but I tried that somewhat. Only showing up for a few hours every other day or so...but it's not a complete vacation. It seems that nobody noticed, or maybe they knew it was just a vacation in reality, and thus didn't miss me.
I don't know. I'm just feeling at the moment quite underappreciated, and quite lonely. I wonder sometimes if what goes on in my head is what goes on in everybody else's. I'm tired of thinking...but I can't do anything else. To be normal is at the same time my secret ambition and my impossibility. Funny, huh?
Don't I suck? I mean, I wish to be normal. Isn't that pathetic?
And my good friends have been more than supportive. I just don't have the words to express what I"m thinking clearly in anything resembling a coherent manner.
I should sleep.
There's a time to ponder when to give everything up, to wonder if you're really the same person you were even at the beginning of the year. If you can even go on caring like you used to, to even try to figure out what to do A sense that if you keep giving like you used to, soon there will be nothing left to give.
o/~ well, I'm thwarted by a metaphysic puzzle o/~
It is too much to ask for payment for what I do? Not in money of course, but in genuine feelings of good will, and caring? Is it too much to ask that in return for my attention that you be honest with me and listen to what I have to say? Is it too much?
The problem with being altruistic and trying to care for people is that you get taken for granted. Well that and when you finally make a decision to save yourself for once, people find it suprising.
I'm tired of always being the figure in the background, the one who tries to keep everybody sane as I fall apart. Maybe I'm too much of a straight arrow. Maybe I'm too much of an altruist. I don't know. I just know I'm tired of my role, but I don't know what to do to change it. Because to become less altruistic is inconcievable.
o/~ let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe/ and leave this to the roaches and mice o/~
I've been pondering wandering away on my own time away from IRC, but I tried that somewhat. Only showing up for a few hours every other day or so...but it's not a complete vacation. It seems that nobody noticed, or maybe they knew it was just a vacation in reality, and thus didn't miss me.
I don't know. I'm just feeling at the moment quite underappreciated, and quite lonely. I wonder sometimes if what goes on in my head is what goes on in everybody else's. I'm tired of thinking...but I can't do anything else. To be normal is at the same time my secret ambition and my impossibility. Funny, huh?
Don't I suck? I mean, I wish to be normal. Isn't that pathetic?
And my good friends have been more than supportive. I just don't have the words to express what I"m thinking clearly in anything resembling a coherent manner.
I should sleep.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
appreciation
Date: 2001-08-01 08:00 am (UTC)... speaking as one of the guilty parties, as far as not appreciating you nearly as much as I should have until far far after the fact, I would like to take a moment to say that, yes, the time and effort uou spend holding people together, even when you feel yourself stretching is appreciated. You do your best; that's all anyone can ask. Now, before you label me an egocentric, I do realize that the current round of stress isn't me; can't be, I'm not there anymore, right? ^_^; Anywho. I suppose I've made my point; you are a wonderful, empathetic, caring human being, and I really hope you don't let the coldness of the world kill that in you.
Love is something that if you give it away
you end up having more;
just like a magic penny
hold on tight and you won't have any
lend it, spend it
you'll have so many
they'll spill all over the floor...
I hope you know the melody for that, cause it's just a good cheery little thing. The point being that, yup, love is a renewable resource! It sounds like, though, that your return for your love-dollar is not as satisfactory as it might be...I guess that means that your love is richer? (Or maybe that you should find a better currency exchange...) Something. Hell if I know, don't want to stretch the metaphor too far. There is a marked tendency in women, particularly women with less than perfect self esteem (and I'm including myself in that) to give until it hurts, because, in their own minds, they're not good enough, and they don't deserve the love they get unless they pour themselves all out over everywhere. That's just my perception, though, and it is early; I may be smoking crack rocks and just not have noticed yet. The upshot of all of this is, don't let that spark that makes you just so darned nifty be squelched by needy people.
-jo
Well...
Date: 2001-08-01 09:35 pm (UTC)However, sometimes you can be the exact opposite. Occasionally, you believe you're being altruistic. In your eyes, I believe, you see yourself as being very altruistic. But, to other people?
Perhaps you should take a look at that. I'm not saying this for my sake. I really can't benifit from anything I say to you at this point in the game. But you can benifit from something I say, if you care.
In my opinion, you're extremely normal. Not pathetic to want to be that, either.
Anyway. My words.