such is the winter of our discontent

[katster]

one question haunts and hurts
too much, too much to mention
was I really seeking good
or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
when looked at through an ice-cold eye...

I'm obsessing again. Somehow, I've gotten my hands on the Wicked soundtrack and am beating the obsessive hell out of "No Good Deed". I think the fact I have these mp3s is chamelaeon and laechim and rdmgryphon's fault. Or at least they're the ones I'm blaming for it. (Mecha supplied the drugs, Cham gave us the first hit, and RDM owns the crack house. That's the order.)

But I am running off on a happy fun tangent again, and I need to contain myself and run back on the main rail before I wind up in Alberquerque. And the main point is that as of late I've been feeling like a shaken soda bottle before the cap is removed. In trying to explain this state to poor zibblsnrt, I explained as there being too much me for the space in my head. It's an odd sort of problem, almost like being stir crazy but not quite. And there's a lot of things that are swirling in there at speeds sometimes I can't even grasp -- the events of last Sunday, the fact it's been a long harsh year since mom fell out of remission, the self-proclaimed Smartest Man in the World (caps inclusive) and the mere arrogance it takes to *say* something like that, the fact I'm stuck in this podunk town, the fact it's been two and a half freaking years since I last saw Patrick, and goddamn I've been wanting so badly to spend a Christmas with him, the fact that the goddamn words are running when I try to corral them and there's a FUCKING deadline coming up, jillcaligirl seeming to need a lot of my time, the fact it doesn't feel much like Christmas...

Well that's a good chunk of it. That and I'm feeling lonely and alienated and kinda lost in the translation, if that makes sense. Nobody can see the pop bottle about to explode, the fizzies are gone, and it's just a large "contents under pressure" that is me. The system is out of order. Please deposit twenty-five cents for ten more minutes.

But yeah, I'm trapped in a mess of philosophical implications that I can't find, and there's that bit about trying my goddamn best and yet it never being good enough. And that I know is the depression beast trying his damned hardest to find a way to get to me and goddamn it he is not going to do it. But the song strikes chords with me for that matter, especially the lyrics I pasted in to begin this whole mess. Because I always worry that when I do things, I'm seeking attention. That I'm not doing it for some altruistic reason, I'm doing it for the "hey look at me look at the good I've done!" value.

And yeah, it's stupid. But I've also been in an overly jaundiced and cynical mood the last few days, somewhat connected with the contents being under pressure. And yeah, I'm just so confused. And swirly.

And I don't know what to do right now.

no good deed goes unpunished
no act of charity goes unresented...

Comments

[archangelbeth]

Second-guessing one's emotions for manipulative urges is a really nasty inward spiral. I've done it too -- rather less these days, at least.

Look at it this way -- it's better to seek positive attention by doing good than negative attention by doing bad. I've got a four year old who seems bound and determined to get negative attention, for instance...

[vacheestfachee.livejournal.com]

Because I always worry that when I do things, I'm seeking attention. That I'm not doing it for some altruistic reason, I'm doing it for the "hey look at me look at the good I've done!" value.

I just had a revelation, in the way that one only can when one encounters another who is the same as oneself and sees an aspect of oneself from the outside. I'm the same way... but when I read these words, I thought to myself, "Is that really so bad?" I mean, I understand the worry (I do it myself), but what you said made me think of a little kid being all "look what I did!" (kind of like archangelbeth said). I'm doing a lot of reading about learning to be child-like again, gaining back a sense of wonder and play and one's real self, so I'm learning not to think that it's bad to be like a little kid.

I could be completely off-base. In any event, you are awesome and don't deserve to feel like crap. *hugs*

[dwhagar.livejournal.com]

....

A small red dot appears on the chest of the depression beast in its great size, another, and another... A lone man walking in normal cloathes looks it right in the eye and says, "Fuckin' bastard." before the shots are taken... BLAM... BLAM... BLAM...

All the shots fire at once, then silence...

Me hopes the beast falls... Cuz in the words of some great music...

No, we're not ganna take it!
No, we ain't ganna take it!
We're not going to take it, ANYMORE!

[ladycalliope.livejournal.com]

Why do people always quote that part of Wicked? What about such gems as:

You know black is this year's pink
It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed, so it's very shrewd to be very, very popular like me
Those who don't try never look foolish

And one especially for you:
Some things I cannot change, but 'till I try I'll never know

[tanesmuti.livejournal.com]

katatatser, do you have any idea how long it would take me to list the accomplishments I've seen from you? My god, girl, I hope I never get the compulsion to do it. I'd starve to death in the attempt. It never fails to amaze me how strong a person you are and how you can't seem to see it. I wish I had your determination, even just a fraction of it.

Now, I would deposit 25 cents, but last time I did that to keeb, he spit out some funky stuff and broke. :P

You hold yourself to far higher standards than anyon else on the planet. But you're human, and no matter how hard you try, you'll never be perfect. That's probably where you're getting hung up. Don't you ever just want to deliberately fuck up? Have you tried? Go break a plate in the kitchen. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to do everything right. You don't have to do anything but your best. That's all you *can* do. And you know what, if that's not good enough for someone, tough shit. They need a reality check and a kick in the ass.

If I win the lottery, I'm sending you and Patrick to a cabin in the woods for a month. And that's a promise.

Christmas is a lonely and unhappy time for a lot of people, it's not just you. And it doesn't matter how many friends and family you have around, it still sucks to be in that state of mind. I've started to believe Christmas is a holdiay for children alone, because the older you get, the more of a hassle and disappointment it seems to become. It's a shame, but it's not the end of the world. Not really. The seasons still change, the days still grow longer, the snow still falls and the lights still twinkle. There's a comfort in that if you know where to look. The state of the world at this time doesn't exactly lend itself to holiday cheer either.

Hmm... have you ever considered doing somthing new and crazy to bump yourself out of this funk? I think you should dye your hair blue. ;)

I think you need a new pair of shoes with no practical purpose whatsoever except that you like them.

And a kitten! One can never have too many of those. :)

If your Christmas is sucking, then dammit, take control and make it "interesting". Nothing like a bit of chaos to cheer up the holidays. ;)

Love and hugs
ari

[wind-wraith.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I would send Patrick to you (and Doug and I too so we could wander around the state for a week in the meantime) if I had any way to. I'm so sorry to hear how crappy this season has been...sounds like you need a vacation!:( :'(
All the same, I'm sending happy thoughts to you ok?
*hugs again*