the state of the katster address
Jan. 23rd, 2004 01:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katsterGreetings friends, relatives, enemies, and random passerby.
This is the state of the katster: California.
...what? It *is* the state...oh. Oh. I get it. State, not state. Oh. Okay.
Anyway, the state of the katster is mixed...no, not mixed, that implies a mixed episode, and I'm doing okay right now...okay, maybe a bit of depression, but that's not unusal... Oh. Sorry, talking to myself. I take it this thing is live? Oh. Okay. Lemme try again.
The state of the katster is ambivalent.
Ambivalent. It's a good word, meaning of mixed mind, which sums up quite nicely the way I've been feeling. Somehow, and without telling me it was coming, my final semester of graduate school snuck up on me. And now I'm faced with the prospects of having to find a job (in this economy, haw haw haw), and figuring out a final project and all that stuff.
So, let's start with school, since school's an important part of my life and has much to do with the state of the katster. I'm enrolled in four courses this semester -- Database Design, Organization and Retrieval of Information, IT Strategy, and French. I'm also taking a no-credit flash course to get some idea how to use that program. My classes don't look extraordinarily hard this semester, once I get my act together. And I already have a study/homework group in IT Strategy -- even if it was sorta an accident.
But this was all I had to do, I'd say it was looking like a fairly calm semester. But it is, unfortunately, my last semester, and they want me to do a final project. I still don't really have a clue about what I'm going to do. I'm serious, ideas are always good, and for more details, see this post. This is, probably, the source of most of my stress at the moment. So if anybody can offer any help, I'd appreciate it. Keep in mind that I'm not a good programmer. (Thanks to those who have already offered ideas.)
Besides this, I have to finish my incompletes that are dragging at me, and I might just be going into school this weekend to work on them a bit. I'm not sure yet. I think this weekend would be more productive trying to do a final project, or at least get an idea. And homework. Homework's always good.
Of course, since I'm graduating, the next thing is finding some way to pay my rent. This means -- get a job, slacker. It's difficult, I figure I'll need at least $2000 (after taxes) a month to live where I'm living (goddamn expensive bay area). It's probably cheaper in Redding -- but I don't want to go home. It doesn't help that my mother seems to think of it as inevitable, which makes me angry and sad. And moving anywhere else is complicated by the fact that I don't have very much money to do a move, so I'm kinda trapped. Maybe I'll move to Davis with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jillcaligirl.
In the friendship department, it's hard to tell what my current state is. I'm notoriously inaccurate at being able to tell where I stand with my friends, and the depression does not help matters. I want to be liked; I want to be popular. However, I'm probably never going to have that, I'm too much of an introvert to be a popular person. That, and I feel like my insights are stupid and somewhat predictable, and there's a lot of times I think people are probably better off keeping their distance.
But anyway, it's just hard in the friends department at the moment, which leads to the "ambivalent" state listed above.
In good news, my love life seems to be pretty good for somebody who's in a long term long distance relationship. If all goes well,zibblsnrt will be coming to California in May, but the for sureness of this trip is not assured yet, and that scares me. I'm trying to scrape up the money for his ticket, and I'm scared I'm not going to pull it off. I'm scared that this trip isn't going to happen, and that really bothers me a lot, more than I think I'm willing to admit. I've worked hard, and I've been patient, and it'll be nearly two years since I've seen him when he gets out here...if he makes it. and the money for that is huge.
And my family...well, they're there. There's stress up the wazoo there too, with Mom being in the hospital and not really doing all that well, to the point that she's pretty incoherent and unable to deal with things. This was not expected at all. Dad's trying, but he's having a hard time, and I'm scared that they're going to lose the one thing they dreamed of -- which is the house. It's shit out there at the moment for my folks, who never really had a fucking chance. They've tried every fucking thing they can do to get out of the crap hole they got into -- my mom even went back to college whilejillcaligirl and I were kids -- and nothing's worked out. Nothing at all.
The above's why I could never support libertarianism, btw. What more do you want from my folks than what they've done? Fuck, why is one fucking stupid illness -- my mom's leukemia -- destroying my family? Why the fuck did we have to shell out over a thousand dollars a month on health insurance, when in any other sane country a diagnosis of cancer wouldn't mean that my folks would necesarily lose the house?
As you can see, my politics are still the same.
Anyway,jillcaligirl seems to be doing better this quarter (I hope), so maybe that'll be good news. God knows we need it. If you're up there, and you're listening, and you feel in a benevolent mood, y'mind sending some random millionaire my folks' way? Or let 'em win the lottery? Or something? We've had enough character building to last us a few dozen lifetimes...
The illness itself seems to be at bay at the moment, but depression has a way of slipping through the cracks and gaping holes of my psyche, and with the stress load, I'm hoping it doesn't bite me hard. Hoping, of course, may mean that it just reaches up and bites me, but...
Hence the word ambivalent. And on this, my 1500th post to LJ, that's about the best way to sum up how I feel. I think it's more a case of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If y'read all the way through this, say hi. I'd like to sorta feel like I'm not screaming into the void. Thank you, and g'night.
This is the state of the katster: California.
...what? It *is* the state...oh. Oh. I get it. State, not state. Oh. Okay.
Anyway, the state of the katster is mixed...no, not mixed, that implies a mixed episode, and I'm doing okay right now...okay, maybe a bit of depression, but that's not unusal... Oh. Sorry, talking to myself. I take it this thing is live? Oh. Okay. Lemme try again.
The state of the katster is ambivalent.
Ambivalent. It's a good word, meaning of mixed mind, which sums up quite nicely the way I've been feeling. Somehow, and without telling me it was coming, my final semester of graduate school snuck up on me. And now I'm faced with the prospects of having to find a job (in this economy, haw haw haw), and figuring out a final project and all that stuff.
So, let's start with school, since school's an important part of my life and has much to do with the state of the katster. I'm enrolled in four courses this semester -- Database Design, Organization and Retrieval of Information, IT Strategy, and French. I'm also taking a no-credit flash course to get some idea how to use that program. My classes don't look extraordinarily hard this semester, once I get my act together. And I already have a study/homework group in IT Strategy -- even if it was sorta an accident.
But this was all I had to do, I'd say it was looking like a fairly calm semester. But it is, unfortunately, my last semester, and they want me to do a final project. I still don't really have a clue about what I'm going to do. I'm serious, ideas are always good, and for more details, see this post. This is, probably, the source of most of my stress at the moment. So if anybody can offer any help, I'd appreciate it. Keep in mind that I'm not a good programmer. (Thanks to those who have already offered ideas.)
Besides this, I have to finish my incompletes that are dragging at me, and I might just be going into school this weekend to work on them a bit. I'm not sure yet. I think this weekend would be more productive trying to do a final project, or at least get an idea. And homework. Homework's always good.
Of course, since I'm graduating, the next thing is finding some way to pay my rent. This means -- get a job, slacker. It's difficult, I figure I'll need at least $2000 (after taxes) a month to live where I'm living (goddamn expensive bay area). It's probably cheaper in Redding -- but I don't want to go home. It doesn't help that my mother seems to think of it as inevitable, which makes me angry and sad. And moving anywhere else is complicated by the fact that I don't have very much money to do a move, so I'm kinda trapped. Maybe I'll move to Davis with
jillcaligirl.In the friendship department, it's hard to tell what my current state is. I'm notoriously inaccurate at being able to tell where I stand with my friends, and the depression does not help matters. I want to be liked; I want to be popular. However, I'm probably never going to have that, I'm too much of an introvert to be a popular person. That, and I feel like my insights are stupid and somewhat predictable, and there's a lot of times I think people are probably better off keeping their distance.
But anyway, it's just hard in the friends department at the moment, which leads to the "ambivalent" state listed above.
In good news, my love life seems to be pretty good for somebody who's in a long term long distance relationship. If all goes well,
zibblsnrt will be coming to California in May, but the for sureness of this trip is not assured yet, and that scares me. I'm trying to scrape up the money for his ticket, and I'm scared I'm not going to pull it off. I'm scared that this trip isn't going to happen, and that really bothers me a lot, more than I think I'm willing to admit. I've worked hard, and I've been patient, and it'll be nearly two years since I've seen him when he gets out here...if he makes it. and the money for that is huge.And my family...well, they're there. There's stress up the wazoo there too, with Mom being in the hospital and not really doing all that well, to the point that she's pretty incoherent and unable to deal with things. This was not expected at all. Dad's trying, but he's having a hard time, and I'm scared that they're going to lose the one thing they dreamed of -- which is the house. It's shit out there at the moment for my folks, who never really had a fucking chance. They've tried every fucking thing they can do to get out of the crap hole they got into -- my mom even went back to college while
jillcaligirl and I were kids -- and nothing's worked out. Nothing at all.The above's why I could never support libertarianism, btw. What more do you want from my folks than what they've done? Fuck, why is one fucking stupid illness -- my mom's leukemia -- destroying my family? Why the fuck did we have to shell out over a thousand dollars a month on health insurance, when in any other sane country a diagnosis of cancer wouldn't mean that my folks would necesarily lose the house?
As you can see, my politics are still the same.
Anyway,
jillcaligirl seems to be doing better this quarter (I hope), so maybe that'll be good news. God knows we need it. If you're up there, and you're listening, and you feel in a benevolent mood, y'mind sending some random millionaire my folks' way? Or let 'em win the lottery? Or something? We've had enough character building to last us a few dozen lifetimes...The illness itself seems to be at bay at the moment, but depression has a way of slipping through the cracks and gaping holes of my psyche, and with the stress load, I'm hoping it doesn't bite me hard. Hoping, of course, may mean that it just reaches up and bites me, but...
Hence the word ambivalent. And on this, my 1500th post to LJ, that's about the best way to sum up how I feel. I think it's more a case of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If y'read all the way through this, say hi. I'd like to sorta feel like I'm not screaming into the void. Thank you, and g'night.
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no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 02:38 am (UTC)(sorry, no useful comments other than "hang in there" and we're not all meant to be extroverts, y'know? )
and 'take care', and keep fighting the beast...
--g, also in that fight
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 03:07 am (UTC)It's when the void screams back! ;)
Hi.
Hang in.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 05:52 am (UTC)Yes, people are listening/reading. I'm sorry there's nothing practical I can do for you.
FWIW, your describing your state as "ambivalent" made me feel better. Yesterday my counselor and I were discussing how I kind of feel like a freak for ~always having mixed feelings; her response was something to the effect of, "That's called ambivalence. That's a normal experience. People will understand."
Umm, yeah. ;)
*hug* I hope things get better for you and your family. Final projects suck. Here's a question: what things about your program, what areas of your studies, have you really enjoyed (or what do you most tolerate, if it's not been so good)? Whatever those areas are should probably be the realm of your final project, if only for reasons of humaneness to yourself.
And now, to ponder bed (again). %)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 06:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 07:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 07:08 am (UTC)I am not good with final project stuff...
BTW, if you move to Dover area and can stomach waitressing, there are a fair number of those jobs around, from what I can tell. O:/ I'd suggest looking at non-college towns (because they get cheap labor from student part-timing) in areas which have low housing costs (not Boston area!), and targeting such things.
Mind, that's probably only subsistence, which is bleah. But if you can tell yourself that, at worst, you can do that instead of "going back home in defeat"... Maybe it will help?
*hugs and luck-wishing*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 07:10 am (UTC)Not sure what else to say.
:-)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 07:20 am (UTC)Never lose sight of the fact, during bad times, that good times will almost inevitably come again. Likewise, during good times, store up memories and joy against the harder times life always has.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 08:03 am (UTC)I'm really sorry about your mom. And I agree with you 100% on the politics issue.
Will look at the final project thing later... but it seems to me that what you've enjoyed the most is figuring out how people really use this thing called the Internet, and some additional project around that...
I'm going to leave you with a verse from a song by Gordon Bok, a favorite of my parents and all the rest of my family.
It's a pity we don't know what the little flowers know;
They can't live with cold November, they can't face the bitter snow.
They put their glories all behind them, bow their heads and let it go,
But you know they'll be there smiling in the morning.
When the waves wash over you, may they ebb and leave you still standing--a little deeper in the sand, perhaps, but still standing.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 08:05 am (UTC)Still here, still listening, still hoping that things turn out well for you, both for your own sake, and for your and Zib's continued happiness.
As for where you stand with your friends, while I can't speak for everyone (and rarely speak for myself, of late), wherever you stand, its with me behind you, ready to give what support and help I can. This goes for all of my friends, geography notwithstanding. And even if you sometimes think we should all keep our distance, I wouldn't count on that happening. After, its not up to you ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 08:51 am (UTC)I'm with Doug. Right next to him. Standing behind you. And rooting for you and Zibby, makes you both *muchhappy*.
Salinn
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 08:52 am (UTC)You were right first time; the State of Katster is California.
Confused, ambivilant, muddling along and worried about the future, jobs, etc. But on the whole slightly hopeful.
Sounds like California to me.
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 09:41 am (UTC)Not much to say, but I'm here and reading...
no subject
Date: 2004-01-23 11:10 am (UTC)hang in there.
Fine, fine, you're strangely compelling...
Date: 2004-01-23 12:45 pm (UTC)Project...
I like the database ideas. What if your project has to do with history somehow? I seem to recall you really loving that before...it might be fun to go back to that a little.
Hang in there...
Hi Ho