the great catch-22.

[katster]

who am i kidding?

there's a cloud of depression hanging over me again. Gotta fix it somehow, and I don't know how right now. Poll me later, maybe there'll be an answer then. maybe. I don't know.

All I know is the great sadness, and that I'd like a connection to go somewhere, but I don't know how to ask for that connection. Yet, I seem to find myself in the awful catch-22 that if I say something and ask for something, that people are going to jump down my throat for not being able to stand on my own two feet, and if I don't say something, and thus don't ask, people don't realize there's anything wrong. Either way, I get the impression that my mental state isn't something to be talked about in the polite company of LJ.

I'm trying. So, I guess, here's a question. Why am I on your friends list? What do you like hearing about? What do you not like hearing about?

In my next post, I'm going to try to do an old meme. My friends list is bigger than it was, so it'll have to be done in bits and spurts, but I think I'm gonna tackle three letters at a time, in alphabetical order. (Yes, zibblsnrt, as much as I love you, you're just going to have to wait until the end.)

And it's something positive to focus on.

Comments

*hugs*

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

I too fight the depression beast; meds plus weekly therapy are making some inroads, but there are still many days when I just don't want to bother waking up.

You're on my 'friends' list because you're a fellow Callahanian, and because I care.

Take care,
--g

[odanu.livejournal.com]

If people "jump down your throat", they are missing the point. LJ is all about making connections, finding people with whom you have something in common and sharing with them.

As you know, I fight depression as well, sometimes with gloves off. You are on my friends list because I enjoy hearing from you, think you have interesting things to say, and because I care what happens to you. Isn't that the beginning of friendship?

[jenny_evergreen]

You are on my friends list because we have things in common, because I hope for you, root for you.
You have a good heart. You try.

If you don't ask, you'll never know, but sometimes not knowing IS better than knowing. You just have to decide if the risk is worth it, or if it isn't, but you don't care.
That's what I do, anyway.

I like hearing about you. I don't much like hearing about football, but I can scroll. ;)

And thank you for making me feel like I've done something good, which you did once or twice in the past, and that's another of the reasons you're on my list (though far from the most important and certainly not the only one, I just think it might make you smile to know you give, too. :)

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

What an interesting impression -- that this half-anonymous online world is a place where you have to be on your best behavior -- not your most honest. (Although I understand. As more people I know in real life have come on, the less freedom I have had to speak what I am really thinking. I have to practice the self-censorship of every friendship.)

I like reading your journal for all the contrasts: the interesting places you end up writing from, the latest Cal scores, the projects with which you wrestle.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

You're on my friends list because I view LJ as a social thing and I enjoy your society.

[salinn.livejournal.com]

Kat,
I don't know whether I first met you on IRC or just here, but it doesn't really matter. You always have something to say. I love that. Anyone who can make running commentary even when nothing is really going on...I love that. It shows someone who can keep going even when they are on empty. Even when it's random, I love hearing what you have to say. And as I told Zibby the other day, I love hearing about the two of you, I admire and respect that relationship there, so long distance and yet so worky. Maybe I don't feel like I can always share in LJ what's going on with me personally, but I respect you for relating your life here with us.

You live in the Bay Area, where I was born and spent many summers/holidays.

Lastly, a friend of a friend of a friend or just a friend of a friend...or whatever...is a friend. Especially when they are loyal, honest, and straightforward.
Love that.
Salinn

[spitgirl.livejournal.com]

It's pretty easy: you are on my friends list because you are my friend. From that first HTML class that I taught that apparently got you hooked (okay, I have to admit: I DON'T REMEMBER IT) to the hours we spent at the OCF and goofing off together - remember the dorm room Christmas party? - to talk about about faith and religion... even going to your graduation and hanging out with your aunts... you know I'm there! Let me know how I can pray.

[kuangning]

*smiles.* I don't usually bother answering this question anymore; I made that one post and my reasoning hasn't changed. But.

You're on my friends list because I care about you. Because I like hearing from you. And that includes everything you have to say, even if I don't agree, even if it bruises a little. I like hearing that things are going well, of course, because I like knowing that you're happy. But I think I need to hear when you're not doing well more. I may not know what to do or say about it, but I'm definitely listening.

[archangelbeth]

You know, I forget why you're on my friends list. Posted something, somewhere, that looked interesting. And, well, even though I don't know you very well, I like reading about you. So, well..... Does that help?

(It's winter - are you getting enough sunlight? A friend on a M* was saying he'd felt very depressed, and I asked my usual set: Enough food? Enough drink? Enough sleep? Too much sleep? Enough light?" He realized that the lights in that room had recently been changed to be a lower wattage, and the room was vastly darker. Not to mention winter and all that.)

So, well, *hugs*. Because you are an interesting person.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_mjp_/]

Because you're honest. Becuause I look up to you; you're in grad school and coping with a mental illness. Something I hope I can manage if/when the time comes. Because we both sometimes struggle with discussing depression with our friends.I like knowing I'm not the only one out there.

I like hearing about football scores, family, and projects and Zib. There's nothing I don't like.

[siliconshaman.livejournal.com]

Why are you on my friends list? Should've thought that was obvious, I like you. I like the way you write, the way you think etc.

Hell, if we lived in the same area [even if it was the same time zone] we'd probably hang out over coffee and chat.

Not terribly complicated.

[aris-tgd.livejournal.com]

You are on my friends list because you are my friend.

But we've had a discussion before about the ill-named "friends list" which is so easy to move people off of for no good reason but that you don't like following their life.

I do like following you, though; I want to keep up with your life, and the lives of my other friends, even when I'm busy and exhausted and having nervous breakdowns, I want to know if my friends are doing all right and if I can be there for them. I've been doing lousy at that last part, I know.

So I suppose it all comes down to: You're my friend. I hope it's enough to matter.

[vacheestfachee.livejournal.com]

*hugs for Kat*

I'm sorry things aren't going well right now, and I wish I could do something to make that go away.

I originally added you to my friends list because friend of Zib == friend of mine (and we'd chatted a few times, I think, also). You remain on my list because I like to hear what's going on with you... I care about how you're doing (and like to know even if you're not enthusiastically happy, btw :)... you say and deal with interesting things... etc. I'm interested in everything you have to say (well, with the possible exception of Cal football, but I'm glad you enjoy it -- that's what's important in LJland). I want you to feel free to say anything around me, at least... I'm not going to judge you or anything. I'm okay with everyone else's stuff; it's my own that I have trouble dealing with. ;P

[nekoneko.livejournal.com]

*rereads what you said about me*

Eee!! *^_^* I'm all blushing and giggly now. ^^ Hee. Good friend for Kat! Yay!

Anyways.. hopes you feel better soon. I know I don't comment much, (work-work-work! Grr!), but your last episode lasted awhile and worried me muchly. Hope this one goes away post-haste! *big big huggles*

[nekoneko.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, and I'm glad I know you too. ^_~

Hmmm

[shmuelisms.livejournal.com]

I think you're a brave young woman, and I like to hear of your efforts to get through a difficult situation, especially with regard to your depression. :-( You're smart and observant, and self-aware enough to make this a process of growth, that I too can benefit from.

That's why you're on my friends list.


But you seem to have left me off of your own list >-) Oh well.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Maybe... talk about it, but with a note to the effect that you're just expressing your feelings, not asking for help or sympathy?