assuring me I'm connected...

[katster]

I guess I should say something about last night's entry.

For some reason, I know lack of concentration and stuff is part of the depression, and that's a lot of why I've been having troubles keeping up with my friends list. Well, that and time. But I know a key thing feeding into the depression at the moment is the vague feeling that nobody cares. I mean, I can't point to people and say, "Dammit, care more about me", and I feel guilty for even saying what I'm saying here...but I feel really rotten at the moment, and it seems like there's very few people who notice or care.

it's times like this when I wonder if i'm on everybody's default view filters. And that might just be stupid on my part, and I know it's not true, but somehow the depression beast is good at lying and making me think what is false is actually what's true, and it confuses the hell out of me.

I've explained to both aris_tgd and zibblsnrt that there's a difference between knowing and feeling. it seems silly, but it exists. In the back of my head, I'm aware that I'm a decent person, that I'm loved, that people care about me, and I'm not the reincarnation of Attilla the Hun or something. I'm smart, and I'm honest, and I'm reasonable, and i've got a good sense of humour.

But feeling is another matter altogether. I feel that I'm a horribly rotten failure, and that if people didn't feel obligated to talk to me, they wouldn't bother. I feel that I don't belong in places where I do belong. (I've had an anonymous visitor from SIMS, who is probably one of my classmates, and they'll prolly be shocked to find that I fight desperately with the idea that I somehow faked my way into graduate school and that I don't really belong there.)

And I know a lot of the trouble is that I isolate. A lot of this is because of all the things I'm feeling, and I'm scared I'm about to explode at somebody who really doesn't deserve it, so I fight it down, and attempt to bottle up what I'm feeling. So when I get really damned quiet, that's a hint that I'm not really feeling up to sorts.

So yeah, right now, I need the reassurance there's people out here, and that my words matter, and that I'm not screaming into a void. I nearly killed the IRC channel I hang out on a regular basis the other day (#spork, on irc.sandwich.net for those who are wondering), because when I was obviously distressed and upset, nobody said a fscking word. And I know I've talked about the idea with inflection (who's a really good guy), and I know he's said something about not knowing what to say because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing, but I think, in most situations, poking me with a small "Are you okay/how are you feeling?" type question might be best. And most of the time I'll actually want to talk about it. But even if I don't, a small "hang in there" gives me the idea that at least somebody cares.

Don't ask zibblsnrt if I'm alright if you're not sure about approaching me, because it just frustrates him and the message doesn't come across to me if he says "Person X is wondering if you're okay", because...remember, I'm feeling bad, and I know Zibb wants me to feel good, so the depression beast will discount it as him trying to make me feel better. Most of the time, I want to be assured that people care what happens to me, and that I'm not screaming into the void.

So yeah, I guess that's what I need right now is just reassurance that people are seeing what I'm saying and stuff right now. That's all. So...if you could spare a few moments, and say hi, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks.

Comments

[ankhenet.livejournal.com]

I notice, and I do care, I try to ask how you are everytime I see you or I'm actually around sometimes you say sometimes you don't, but I do ask because I do care.

Right now I have been dealing with my own depression, and my own problems and at one point I would gladly bury mine to help others with theirs but i can't do that these days.

I do hope that you are feeling better soon and you still need to meditate dammit!

The Big D

[ravan.livejournal.com]

o/~ Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again... o/~

The beast of depression feeds on isolation. I know it well.

I'm here, I care, and I know what it's like to wonder if there's anyone listening, or if I'm just drooling words in the corner.

If you're suffering from chronic depression, you might want to check with a doc about getting some a/d drugs, or, if you're on a/d's, switching to something that works better.

[ex-venerate756.livejournal.com]

cheer up, she'll be right..

im feeling a bit depressed now, australia just got absolutely hammered by new zealand in the first rugby game in the bledisloe cup series. 50-18, or there abouts. we've had the bledisloe cup for the last 5 years, and it looks like NZ will be getting it back this year. not a good look in a world cup year. :(

theres nothing worse than a cocky new zealander.

[rickvs.livejournal.com]

You're being thought of. I don't feel an obligation to respond to your posts; I do so because you're interesting and I wish to respond. Hope that helps.

[malakim.livejournal.com]

I definitely know that feeling. If you haven't seen me around, it's mainly because I've been feeling kind of the same way...but I tend to 'deal' with it by isolating myself, so I've not been checking my LJ friends and stuff. c.c

[loopychew.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I've been there before, hon. The best part about LJ is that you're talking to a wall that happens to have ears. Even better, I'm one of those ears. :D

We're here for ya, but you knew that already. Just keep your chin up, 'kay?

[anahata56.livejournal.com]

I'm here. I'm watching. I'm listening.

Whether we think you're OK or not, really, in the long run, doesn't matter. What matters is that you think so. And to be able to generate that feeling of "okay-ness" inside you, without the need for it to be confirmed from the outside, would be a wonderful thing to see.

For you to be able to know and feel that people care about you, even when they are silent, would help you out a lot, I know. But that isn't always something that comes when people talk to you--that comes from inside. That comes from feeling that even when people are busy or away or dealing with their own messes or whatever, they don't stop caring or even thinking about you. Because we don't.

The wonderful person you are is not dependent on a poll of people's opinions--it exists even in silence, or even when people around you shout you down. You are who you are, independent of all that. Those of us outside of you really don't matter much in the big picture--who you are comes from inside you, and whether we appear to be paying attention or not, that good person exists.

Please don't take it personally when people don't always respond--after looking around on LJ a bit, it seems as if a lot of people are going through their own things right now, and that has nothing to do with how they feel about you. There are just times when it takes a lot of concentration for all of US to keep our heads above water, and there simply may not be the time or the energy to keep up in writing.

But that doesn't mean we've stopped caring.

Please know this, and feel it, too--I read your stuff. I care. I watch you--I always have.

And whether I say it or not, I think of you.

[tanesmuti.livejournal.com]

Hi! I can see you and stuff. ;)

[jrenken.livejournal.com]

møø...

(...hmm, looks like I've spent enough time in Minnesota.)

[griffen.livejournal.com]

I'm here, hon. I'm seeing what you say.

The problem is that my responses would be so inane that I'm not sure what to say that won't hurt, so I tend to say nothing rather than hurt you worse. I have a known propensity for sticking my foot into my mouth, and I'd rather not risk it when someone I know is in pain, you know?

(chants foot-in-mouth exercise mantra: one-two-three-four, get it in there, taste the leather....)

*hugs*

[fairoriana.livejournal.com]

We are here. We read, and sympathize. Your problems wouldn't succumb to our platitudes, so sometimes we forget that even giving a platitude has meaning.

You are not alone. There is no void. There are many warm and loving people who know you. And, I believe, that even if there weren't, you are known and loved by the being who created you.

[mrfnord.livejournal.com]

Your "How Not to be Seen" routine needs work, kiddo. Now come out from behind that bush or I'm going to have to explode it. ;)

[jenny_evergreen]

Well, you know I'm reading you, because I read everyone on my friends list.

I understand how you feel (boy, do I!), and I understand the difference between feeling and knowing.

I also know from experience that I can't do anything about the feeling for you and you don't need to be told what you already know, so I often don't have much to say.

I hope that I, by being someone who's doing really well overall, even though she's still incredibly struggling in ways that are a heck of a lot like yours, am a sort of positive thing in your life.

I wish I could help. I know there's not much I can do. I will tell you if I stop listening for any reason. Regardless, I care.

[siliconshaman.livejournal.com]

Hi there...

Know this, your posts always get read here.
and if it wasn't for the time differences I'd be a lot quicker at replying too. [oh well]

I do understand how you feel, I get the same way at times.

Re: the difference between *knowing* and *feeling*

[murphymom.livejournal.com]

In 12-Step groups, we often say someone in early recovery "...hasn't made the 18-inch drop..." - that is, the person has latched on to the *idea* of recovery, but it's all still up in the head and isn't in the heart yet - to me, that's what I think of as the difference between knowing something and feeling it. "Internalizing" might be another way of expressing the concept. I read all your posts, but I don't often respond, because I don't often have much to offer that I feel would be helpful. Please know you do have my care and concern, even when it's not being expressed.

::coughcough::

[lirazel.livejournal.com]

Will the Depression Beast currently sitting on Katja kindly take a hike? We'd like to talk to her...

Thank you.

Now then... You are not only on my friends list and read every time you post; you are one of the posters I look for specially.

So there.

[malakim.livejournal.com]

Also, I have a personal story about this which I will relate once I get home from work and have more time to go into detail.

i sometimes feel bad

[jwmo.livejournal.com]

that I don't comment people more frequently. I know that there are some people that I just very rarely write comments for (actually, the vast majority of those on my friends list). I'm just so sporadic with my posting and commenting, that sometimes I feel like I'm not being a good lj-friend. Know that I *do* read religiously. I drove into Omaha from Minneapolis last night, having been without internet connection for a week, and the first thing I do is unpack my laptop and check LJ and read the 75 or so posts I missed in the five days I was out.

You're always in my thoughts, even though I don't show it well.

[smcwhort.livejournal.com]

I see what you're saying. You're on my default friends view. You'll pull through, I'm sure ...

[karenhealey.livejournal.com]

Sure there is! How about a cocky New Zealander who's delighted we already won the only world cup that actually matters (netball)?

Karen. ^_^

Hi, Kat

[karenhealey.livejournal.com]

I read your posts, and I'm interested in what you're saying. I see you, clear as day. Now if we could only get the clouds to stop hanging round your eyes...

Karen.

[ex-venerate756.livejournal.com]

we'll let you have that one.

You are Lovable and Likable....and gosh darnit....People like you!

[wjhansen.livejournal.com]

Hey! I know I don't leave too many comments to your LJ entries, but this person knows you exist, cares for you, and believes in you. I like the comment screen....it was a pleasant surprise, and not something I was expecting.

Take care of yourself....Football season is almost upon us!!! :)

[tangaroa.livejournal.com]

Uh, hi. I lurk. That doesn't mean I'm ignoring you. I'm glad to have you as a friend. Keep your chin up, alright?

[ladycalliope.livejournal.com]

Hi.

(Am I on your default view filter?[1] I know LJ lends itself to some strange politics, but there are so many nicer things to think about...)


[1] I don't really care if I'm on your default filter, I know you have lots of friends listed, and it must be impossible to keep up with it all without filters ;)

Oh, I hope you lick this round of depression soon!

Empirical Evidence

[shmuelisms.livejournal.com]

I was wondering the same thing a week or two ago, regarding people's default_view filters. I was having the same problem - in reverse ;-) I wanted to know if I could drop someone (not you) from this filter, without them knowing (to avoid hurting their feelings), so with the help of another friend, and IM, we experimented. Results clearly showed, that when you look at someone's Friends page, you are seeing their default_view filter. So for me, NO you can't drop someone from this filter without them easily seeing this, and conversely for you, just look at your friends' friends page, and see if you are there.

I don't comment often in your LJ, because I don't know how well I actually know you, but I do read it and care, and am myself going through many of these [depression linked] issues myself. Hugs dear. Hang in there.

[kuangning]

*hugs.*

*hugs*

[femakita.livejournal.com]

Hi.

[zorbathut.livejournal.com]

Well I read you. I realize we haven't ever really talked much, but hey. Lurking works.

Sympathies . . . if things get bad and I'm around, feel free to talk to me. I've gone through enough bad spots to know how much it can help to have someone around.

(Er, keep in mind that lately I've had a bad habit of walking away from the computer without closing trillian or setting it away. So if I don't respond, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just a moron :P)

[evilbenfranklin.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm here. If I've been quiet or hard to catch, it's mainly because I've had bucketloads of stuff dropping on my shoulders from low orbit lately... the most recent post on my journal should spell it out fairly well enough. The rest I think you know about already... job, divorcewicky, moving, and so on.

But I'm here for ya, if you need me. I just don't have enough reserves left to run around and do the "King Arthur" thing like I used to. ;)

You're a good person, Kat. You'll pull through. We are all given the tools, skills, and resources we need to make it through life. The key is in how we use them. That isn't something that I or anyone else can tell you how to do. Hell, I haven't figured it out for myself yet. ;) *squeezle*

Take care, hon. I'll pop on IRC sometime soon and let you folks heckle me as a booster. ;)

[inflection.livejournal.com]

As you can no doubt tell from the date, I keep up with my friends' LiveJournals on a several-day rotation.

I guess the item I'd be most qualified to respond to here is the part about grad school. I've been here for four years, and I still sometimes wonder if I'm not actually faking it -- so I doubt it's a symptom of depression. It's more likely a symptom of grad school. I'm generally confident in my abilities and my record, but on the other hand the most tangible thing I've produced in the past four years -- other than homework -- is a translation of someone else's thesis from the German.

Perhaps some month soon I'll have something more tangible. A paper. A thesis. A theorem. Until then, it's only the fact that I remain that gives me the proof that I can cut it here. In other words, whether you believe you're the real thing, or not, is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[maruchan.livejournal.com]

I can see you. I was going to be more woo-hah "ping!" about saying so, but I have to make sure, just in case I forget.

And you never did answer my interview question, about the ice cream. I know you probably think it's a silly one, but I really believe it's important to enjoy ice cream bars properly. Adds to the enjoyment, that is.

[shandrew.livejournal.com]

Hi.

I appreciate what you write.

and "currently reading a week-and-a-half of friends page" rew