o/~ I thought I knew, but now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City o/~

insomnia sucks.

so here it is, four am. I promised Patrick I'd sleep about three and a half hours ago, actually, closer to four now, it's almost closer to four thirty. So I feel horribly bad that I can't even keep a promise.

( melancholy ramblings at four AM )

while mona lisas and mad hatters
somes are bankers, somes are lawyers
turn around and say good morning to the night
for unless they see the sky
but they can't and that is why
they know not if it's dark outside or light

Elton John, "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters"

Oh yeah, I meant to post this a few days ago.

While I'm awake, I did a psych project sometime last week. And this meant digging through An Unquiet Mind by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison to find apt quotes for bipolar disorder. Here's her take on depression. It sums it up so well, about why I don't like to talk about it.

On Depression
"Depression is awful beyond words or sounds or images; I would not go through an extended one again. It bleeds relationships through suspicion, lack of confidence and self-respect, the inability to enjoy life, to walk or talk or think normally, the exhaustion, the night terrors, the day terrors. There is nothing good to be said for it except that it gives you the experience of how it must feel to be old, to be old and sick, to be dying; to be slow of mind; to be lacking in grace, polish, and coordination; to be ugly; to have no belief in the possibilities of life, the pleasures of sex, the exquisiteness of music, or the ability to make yourself or others laugh.

"Others may imply that they know what it's like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But those experiences carry along with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you're irritable and paranoid and humourless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is never enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're 'not at all like yourself but will be soon,' but you know you won't."

I don't normally do these things...

( ...but this one is so me. )